-The mildly interesting and somewhat readable adventures of OiNutter, esq., Ladies' Man, Super Spy, and Master Grenade Climber Extraordinaire- (GrenClimb #2)
WELCOME! Welcome to my corner of insanity! It is here in a corner of PDX where they do not know I am insane. I use WELCOME as the first word of the article because that is where they check it for insanity and think, Wow, this sounds like a normal boring article he must be sane. HAHAHAHA F00ed J00! In fact, they gave me this stylish white jacket as part of the deal. As soon as I get these sleeves untangled I can start typing with my hands again. Hmm It WOULD help, though, if the sleeves had openings
Hey, whats this? OMGz!! THE WORLDS LARGEST CASINO ON THE INTERNET!!!!1 I cannot tell you how many times I have been on the internet and thought asdfjkl;!? but thats beside the point. The urge to go to this casino and waste my money while never actually experiencing any fun intrigues me so much that I must go gamble the flashing lights the fake, cheesily rendered dice . It all reminds me of speeding down the interstate in King Kashues Cadillac with the police in hot pursuit Ahhh unfortunately, King doesnt know about that bit of handywork, so if you see him looking for a car tell him that Ghand ate it.
Speaking of Ghand, when you grenade climb, make sure you always press the right key. As opposed to getting complacent and pressing the throw item off the top of the Statue of Liberty key.
*presses sniper scope key* Hey! Who tey heckorz remapped
By the way, last month people complained that my article didnt
make much sense. Well, let me explain why: You see, several factors
contributed to distracting me from concentrating on the true purpose
of the article. For example, I somehow caused a strange bug in my
copy of Deus Ex on my current playthrough for the article.
You see, everything worked fine, except for one thing: Whenever
I placed a grenade, of any sort, my speakers would emit a sound
comparable to the sound gigantic mice would make in the eternal
tortures of all nine hells. Wee bit ironic, eh? (Thatll teach
me to key out to IRC while grenade climbing)
Obviously, insanity kinda makes a guy forget his commitments,
and if it wasnt for the floating gas grenades plaguing my dreams
at night, I would probably forget about content and the article
would fall victim to off topic ramblings having nothing at all to
do with grenade climbing oh .
Err.Solution = Lets forget that last part ever happened, mkay?
So as I was saying, Ive eliminated all of the distractions
so that hopefully, I can be at the apex of my creativity. People
that complained about the last article making little sense will
be pleased to know that upcoming articles in this series will make
absolutely NO sense whatsoever.
You have my word, loyal reader, that if there is a way for something
to make negative sense, I will find a way to pull it off.
But anyway This month I grenade climbed the skyscrapers
in Hells Kitchen. After climbing the poorly lit skyscraper
near the subway, I got lost.... But after walking around for a few
hours I swallowed my pride and asked for directions. I felt like
a constipated Santa Claus, galloping across the rooftops against
the nighttime skybox, delivering little Gas Grenade presents
to the NSF troops. The only problem was falling off the roofs
That seemed to happen a lot The soldiers I fell on even offered
me some Gas Grenades! Unfortunately, I had just gibbed but
think of it as gibbing in joy.
Now I answer the question that EVERYONE has wondered at least
once: Is it possible to shoot a basket in Deus Ex? The
answer is yes!! WITH YOUR SILENCED PISTOL!! HAHAH GEDDIT? Oh, fine...
Ill go find out .
As you can see, Ive constructed an intricate and rather
colorful set of steps using grenades of various types. (Pretty,
neh?) I did this instead of using two grenades like usual because
if I were to bend over on the fence to grab the ball I would probably
get my underwear stuck on the fence and end up hanging there all
day. A man can only be traumatized by the same incident just so
many times . I encourage you to attempt this yourself, by the
way. Heck, Ill even walk you through it! Heres a tip: watch
out for the top of the fence! It is so sharp that it can pop the
basketball! I did this a few times before I realized where the ball
was going either that or it slipped through a map hole .
The only way I could get on top of the fence without popping the
ball was to hop on it backwards. As you can imagine, I overhopped
quite a few times, and once I even popped the ball on the way down.
L( But then I realized that I could just set another grenade and
walk up it . So then, the next step was to jump from the fence
to the backboard of the hoop.
AND DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE QUALITY
OF THAT PICTURE! Why, back in my day, we were happy to get a picture
of an Etcha-Sketch! Repetition of Antisotropic mipmapping
in rapid succession makes me hungry for nummy grenade climbing goodness™!
Hmm? Oh yes . Now to precariously place the basketball into
the hoop. Or more accurately, on the hoop. As you can see,
the mapper decided not to cut out the hoop! That fewsal
There, the mystery is solved!! Sign me up for the Knicks! (or
What, you want more nade climbing goodness? Fine! Then you get
reruns! Im going to grenade climb Liberty Island again.
See, that guy has the right idea! You see, he doesnt care
that his partner, Mr. UNATCOGuy1, says that the island is offlimits.
Im sure that if he had some grenades he would go exploring
the island too. WHY DID THEY CLOSE IT OFF, you ask? Because half
the map is gone! Thats right! Vandals stole it! Those ballsocks!
I tell ya you leave a national monument alone for 10 minutes
and what happens? People steal parts of it!
Colorful, neh? But yes, its true... the base of the Statue of
Liberty has been sheared off on the far end of the island, and the
ground is so dark that it sucks in light! (Much like the way that
carnie sucks in customers with his cheap insults cost me five
bucks because he called me a pant )
If you fall over edge, Im not gonna haul your butt back
up . Also, THE DOORS ARE FAKE! Just like in that movie Blazing
Saddles!! But tey biggest suprise was that at the floor just
below the ledge there is a present!!! It is two LAMs attached to
the wall and two barrels of gas that are perfect for pushing over
And that is when I realized that the statue was probably full
of dynamite set by the sheriff so that Hedly would go boom. So I
ran back to UNATCO, but forgot half the statue was missing and broke
my legs. Good times .
Well be right back after these messages!
Do you enjoy grenade climbing? Want to chat in realtime with
likeminded gamers? Have an IRC program? Then you should check out
#grenclimb !!! Thats right, an IRC channel on Gamesnet specifically
for DX grenade climbers and frequented by yours truly! Want a position
there? Want status and POWER? Thats not a problem! Join #grenclimb
today! This message brought to you by OiNutter, the selfaggrandizing
*Oi tears into mail*
Mmm hey! There are no cookies in here? Who told me there
would be? Meh!
My first article sure provoked a lot of response from the community!
(This picture has not been modified in any way.)
*Accidentally clicks on inbox* Whoops!
Hmm . Hey, heres a letter that I wouldnt feel
ashamed of publishing!
I said Id give you a grenade climbing story, so here
In Paris theres a big monumentthingie pretty close
to where you pop up from the suers (sp?). For the heck
of things I thought Id get to the top of it. The
thing is however that theres a ledge at the top
stoping me (much like how the ledge on the Lady
stopped you from climbing to the top). However,
theres a building complex right next to it. Its
slightly higher too, so the plan was now to climb to
the top of that and then jump over to the
monumentthingie. I climbed, fell^3 until I finally
reached the top of the building and jumped to the top
of the monumentthingie. I looked in my inventory and
saw I had a bottle of wine. To celebrate I fired that
up, brought out my sniperrifle and tried shooting
pigeons. I killed two until I fell of the ledge and
Attached is a really really dark screenshot in
bmpformat (thats my most advanced drawing program).
Wow was that ever um
Thanks. I was especially intrigued by all the thingies
and how you fell^3. Perhaps you could tell me more next
month? Because I hear that falling cubed is even more painful than
*OiNutter looks at watch*
*OiNutter realizes he doesnt have a watch*
*Oi decides to fake it*
Oh well, it looks like thats all the time we have for this
month! BUT FEAR NOT! For I leave you with a contest!
This is where you send me your pictures from your grenade climbing adventures! Next month my selected panel of judges will select Tey Besterest(tm) pic! Winner will receive DRUMROLL! An autographed picture of that seksay mofo, CoMpUdOc! (Whoops I spelled his name wrong in the last article )
Join me next month when I announce the winner and publish their pic, while simultaneously providing text content for an article and telling you what pic will be the prize for that month! Aint I talented?
Illogic is the humor of the rigidly logical. Ponder this at great length. So when you do, I can slip past you and steal your food. And if anyone sees someone wearing pancakes for pants, you will know why....