Well, ladies and gentlemen (and you low-level kiddies too), it's been some time since I last inspired my infinite wisdom on you all. It's time to return to my duties! Business is as usual -- I'll be answering your questions on the Diablo series, my shop and wares, the happenings in Sanctuary, and whatever other queries there are fully, while insisting that you visit my shop more often (soon to become a wide-spread chain!) for regular gambling and other purchases.
However, you might be surprised to find some more... entertaining... parts of this column. (Entertaining, of course, for those who aren't exposed as terrible fools.) I've decided to have quite a bit of fun this time around. Plus, I'm quite cranky. Deal with it. And if you're not nice, I'll start rising gambling prices in intervals of 200% and up. This edition will be split into three categories:
I. Mildly entertaining, terrible e-mails from blistering fools
II. A normal set of questions
III. The Particularly Good Stuff(tm)
If you think I come off a bit harsh, or if you seem to believe that I could have made an error (fools, all of ye!), then feel free to e-mail me so I can ignore you completely.
From: david
Subject: ICRTMPCWHDTB (I Can't Read The Many Past Columns Which Have Detailed This Before)
in battle-net of diablo2, there is a gem right below the center of the screen with stuff like chatting and ect. the gem is kinda blue, and when you click on it it will turn purple and on the chatting screen it says gem activated. But when u now click this purple gem on the chatting screen, it will say gem deactivated and gem will turn back blue. WAt does this do!!!!! HELP ME!!!
thx for your time
David,
The Battle.Net Gem is a computer virus switch -- but it works only one way. David, if you've ever clicked this, not only are you damned to hell, but your computer is now permanently infected. You can try uninstalling Diablo II and then formatting all of your drives (particularly those with the important work we all know you've been doing). The most important thing you must remember is to never back up any of your files. If you install Diablo II and load up Battle.Net and find the gem still there, then there is no hope. Your only solution is to smash your computer into tiny bits and mail it to Saudi Arabia. Further suggested action would be to prevent all further contact with any other humans, with no exceptions. Believe me, not only will you be doing the world a favor, you'll be helping yourself. The gem won't trouble you again.
From: YOU DIE [Interesting name, eh? -Gheed]
Subject: Why! Why! Whyyyyy! -- and ICRTMPCWHDTB
will blizzard ever tell the masses what the b.net chat gem is for???
Well, not only was this discussed in several past editions of my wonderful column, it has been talked about for quite some time -- even from Blizzard Entertainment themselves. It's been in the official Frequently Asked Questions listing for a very long time now. If you would like to reveal the mysteries of the Battle.Net Chat Gem, I suggest placing a large cooking pot on your head, and slamming it as hard as possible with a large metal spoon. While you're at it, drop all of your gold in front of my primary mansion. This tends to work, I'm assuming, from the lack of response from those who have tried this great method.
From: Kevin Bharne
Subject: Ask Gheed and yet another ICRTMPCWHDTB
Hi. In Diablo II, there is a gem in the chat console. When pushed, it says "Gem Activated" or "Gem Deactivated". What is the purpose of this gem? Thanks.
Kevin,
Another function of the famous Battle.Net Gem is installing software to automatically auction off all of your personal information to companies who bid. The more times you click this gem after activating it once, the more often you'll be called by telemarketers, sent junk mail, and receive german dungeon midget kiddie goat porn through e-mail. There is no escape. All your smurf are belong to smurf. Hyakugojuuichi!
From: Magus
Subject: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!rares, sets, and uniques....!!!! [Oh, this hurts! -Gheed]
just wanna let you know gheed the site of rares,sets,and uniques make me tingle and shiver so contiue to plz me with you stuff and tell the guys at blizzard that they should continue to campaign diablo for a third time ,,,,yes thats right diablo 3 just think about it diablo#3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!kindabrings a tear to your eye doesnt it????Tell them i suggest evn more than 5 characters(7 in a while)and extremely expanded game play!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!plz with bones and guts on top??????????????
With blood and guts all over the place,
Magus
Reading your e-mail certainly brought tears to my eyes, and my keyboard is now dented from my forehead's repeated attacks. I had no idea that Blizzard Entertainment was campaigning for Diablo... or that he was running for some sort of political office. Interesting. We're all sure that he'll have quite a difficult time convincing voters with his "Terror now, Destruction later" plan. Might that strange tingling and shivering be caused by an unfortunate accident involving your head and a large, blunt object?
From: ray
Subject: I Hate Ray [Ok, not really his e-mail subject. -Gheed]
hello Gheed
i was wondering something. i've been wanting to try the cowlevel i see you must beat diablo than travel back to the beginning and use wirts leg and the tome but what i can't figure out is how you go back after i beat diablo i have 30secs to grab as much loot as i can before the game is over so how does one go back in time before the game beds? thank for any help
ray
Ray, what were you thinking? Of course you can go back in time in Diablo II! Ever heard of the backspace key? Of course, this only works if you use a combination of the ALT and F4 keys right before using the backspace key. Then, you'll be transported back to Act I, and the countdown timer to the end of the game you are in will reverse and start counting up. Seriously, can you not think of exiting the game and then creating another one in the same difficulty level? Remember, Ray, I Hate You. You can make up for your foolishness by gambling non-stop for a few hours.
Find more questions from blistering fools on page two...
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