Diablo auctions off hero's soul
The soul of a hero is available to the highest bidder as part of a new marketing campaign conceived by the Lord of Terror himself. The campaign, called "Go to Hell!" was recently launched in order to attract more visitors, will feature signs with slogans such as "What happens in Hell stays in Hell*" and "Hell: It's not just for sinners" and "Hell: Where you can release your inner demon."
The auction is the first of its kind, and will be run by Diablo's new trading company, called DBay. On DBay, you will be able to trade anything from stamina potions to Zod runes. Winning bidders will be able to claim their items at the new Trump Tower, of course named after Donald Trump.
The building, which has a lovely view of the Hellforge, will be Donald's new residence when he gets here.
"The outside promotes quality," said a merchant who toured the building. "But the inside has the most deplorable living conditions I've ever seen."
So far the auction has gotten off to a slow start, with only a single merchant bidding 35,000 gold pieces. No other merchants seem to want to top that offer.
* Because no one ever leaves.
Rastaban accused of giving away defective items
PDF member Rastaban has come under investigation since his giveaway of Diablo II items. Several recipients of that giveaway have since filed complaints alleging that they have received items which provide no help or even hinder the performance of their characters.
After he first gave his mules away, gamers were cheering, "Rastaban! Rastaban! Rastaban!" But shortly afterward the cheers turned into, "Ban Rastaban Rastaban Rastaban Rasta!"
"I was finding several good items each day," said PDF member Shadow Raven. "Since using Rastaban's equipment, I haven't found anything good at all."
Another PDF member, FireHand, commented, "He gave me this rare armor that makes my defense go down when I equip it. Also, it makes my character look like a total dork."
Yet another PDF member, Mankey, complained, "He gave me a Windhammer and most of the time I miss with it. It lives up to its name because all I do is hammer the wind."
And still another PDF member, who asked not to be identified, had this to say: "This helm he gave me. Whenever I equip a character with it, I get a headache. I don't see how that's possible." He then proceeded to fire two Inquirer staff members.
Much litigation is expected to be filed due to this shocking incident (the giveaway that is, not the firings).
The next issue of the Inquirer will be featuring a story on how you can avoid being a victim of malicious giveaways. Until then, we beg of you, be careful out there.
Behind the scenes of Kill Baal: Vol. 3
The Inquirer is once again your source of exclusive information on the upcoming movie Kill Baal: Vol. 3, which is currently in production along with the first, second, fourth, and fifth movies of the series. It is the story about an assassin attacked on her wedding day and left for dead by Baal and his minions. Waking up from a coma years later, she vows revenge.
The third movie of this epic series takes place in and around the jungles of Kurast. Production had to be delayed after several extras cast as Flayers took their roles too seriously and tried to eat other members of the cast. The Inquirer reveals more casting decisions and choice dialogue.
- Billy Crystal as the Druid: "Oh those damn flayers! They keep eating my minions! Why don't they bother the Necromancer's minions?"
- John Goodman as the Barbarian: "I think they prefer meat on their bones."
- Nathan Lane as the Paladin: "In the Durance, the hateful Durance, Mephisto dies tonight! Come on! Everyone sing! In the Durance, the hateful Durance, Mephisto dies tonight! Hey! Where did everybody go? Wait for me!"
- Christopher Walken as the Necromancer: "Normally my skeletons don't get distracted but right now they would rather fight each other over that cute stygian doll than anything else. Sorry."
- Jennifer Garner as Asheara: "I beg you! Please take these Iron Wolves off my hands. They're driving me nuts because no one has hired them in a long time and they're bored. They are a bit rusty but you have to expect that."
- Bob Dole as Ormus: "You now speak to Ormus. Ormus was once a great mage but has now been relegated to promoting virility aids and running for political office. Might one of you be kind enough to put Ormus out of his misery?"
- Hank Azaria as Alkor: "You tell Hratli that the next time he puts itching powder in my hemorrhoid cream, I'm going to cut his intestines out with the Gidbinn and feed them to the flayers. And if I'm in a really bad mood I'll tell Asheara that he raids her wardrobe."
- Janet Jackson as the Assassin: "Get out of here you stupid bitch! I know my craft better than you!"
- Ashlee Simpson as Natalya: "Not again! You wouldn't believe how often I get that. Can't I find some place where I'm appreciated?"
- Christopher Lee as Mephisto: "You're too late! Ha ha ha! I've got every lucrative villain role locked up through the end of next year!"
- Gilbert Gottfried as a Flayer Shaman: "Hey! Steady down there! You walk like you're drunk! Good help is so hard to find. Hey! Keep that pointy thing away from me or I'll flame you where the sun don't shine. Barbarian meat is so tough. I want to feast on a nice, tender sorceress for once. Hey! There she is! Go get her! Wait! Look out for that rock! Aaaahhhh! You dumped me right in the mud puddle! Son of a bitch!"
Keep reading for our coverage of the last two movies in the Kill Baal saga.
Duriel has sex change operation
After much consideration, lesser evil Duriel underwent a sex change operation last week.
"No one accepted me the way I used to be," said Duriel from his residence just outside Tal Rasha's tomb. "I felt deep down inside that I needed to do this. Now if you'll excuse me, I still feel a bit sluggish and man do I continue to feel sore down there."
The reaction from the townsfolk was to say the least, mixed.
"Duriel had a sex change? That's great! Um… what does that mean?" said Geglash, a local resident.
"Congratulations to him…err…her…whatever," said Lysander, a Lut Gholein merchant. Hopefully this will make Duriel more or less of a lesser evil."
Kaelan, a palace guard replied, "He…ugh…she…ugh…it may still not enter the palace."
A passing hero commented, "I've been back there since the operation and maybe Duriel should go by the name Pat because I sure as hell can't tell the difference. I just hope this makes him drop better."
Andariel, another lesser evil, was heard to comment, "This is just another one of Duriel's pathetic attempts to gain attention. Duriel is jealous of me because I'm everyone's favorite lesser evil. And my gender has never been in doubt. Give it up, you big slug! No one cares."
Spamming for Noobs' new single goes platinum
The new single by Spamming for Noobs, "1.09", has become a huge hit. It has apparently struck a chord with many players obsessed with the prior version of Diablo II. Check out the lyrics, which have been presented exclusively by the Inquirer.
1.09
Based on 1985 by Bowling for Soup
Debbie just hit escape
Her bowazon had been raped
Killed by a quill rat
In just five seconds flat
Her dreams in flames again
When she played 1.10
Thinks she's going insane
What happened to this game?
She was gonna be a guardian
She was gonna own them all
She was gonna play hardcore
All the way to the Worldstone Hall
Her poor nova sorc
Can't last to teleport
Looks at her zero life
And nothing…has been…all right
Since her
Windforce, Grandfather
Before 'Chains of Honor'
There were cow runs, cruel cubing
And no gloams in the Worldstone Keep
Her boyfriends on B-Net
They're always getting upset
'Cause she's still preoccupied
With 1 point…1 point…1 point zero nine
She's tried everything
She's done lots of builds
Dexazon and whirlwind barb
And seen them all get killed
A Baal run took all night
Not a fan of Tyrael's Might
She never thought she'd fail
In her quest to get the grail
Looks at her runes
And now she's crying
How am I supposed to make 'Breath of the Dying?'
And what's this thing called synergy?
Whatever happened to…crafting, blood runs
(From Mephisto there was)
Shako, Lightsabre
Way before 'Kingslayer'
There were cow runs, cruel cubing
And no gloams in the Worldstone Keep
Her boyfriends on B-Net
They're always getting upset
'Cause she's still preoccupied
With 1 point…1 point…1 point zero nine
She hates noobs who act fierce
How come guided arrow doesn't pierce?
And why did Azurewrath become a phase blade?
Please make it drop, drop, drop!
And also
Stormshield, Doombringer
Way before Tomb Reavor
There were cow runs, cruel cubing
And no gloams in the Worldstone Keep
Her boyfriends on B-Net
They're always getting upset
'Cause she's still preoccupied
With 1 point…1 point…1 point zero nine
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