Gamespy, IGN to merge – massive forum layoffs predicted
The merging of GameSpy and IGN could have dire consequences for many PlanetDiablo Forums members according to some insiders. “They have forums I believe and we have forums,” said one GameSpy spokesman. “We don’t need redundant forums, so I figure we’ll take the best members out of each forum. The rest will have to go.” According to a merger committee, PDF members will be required to submit an essay of no less than 500 words, explaining why they should continue to be allowed membership to the forums. Grammar and spelling will count, but members who post their essays in a timely matter will be given better consideration than those who wait to the last minute. So all forum members should get started on your essays today. Good luck and we will surely miss those who end up being downsized.
Warriv arrested in trade selling scheme
A merchant was arrested this morning and charged with breaking the Sanctuary insider trading laws. Warriv, a trader whose caravan travels through most of Sanctuary, was taken into custody when it was learned that he acted on an insider tip to sell all his cargo a day before its value dropped greatly. Meshif, another trader, had a lot to say on the matter. “When Warriv was informed that the Isenhart’s futures market was about to drop yet again, he quickly sold an entire caravan’s worth of the stuff. Gheed told the authorities about it. You know you’ve really screwed up when you get turned in by Gheed. I have no idea why Warriv continues to try to move Isenhart’s items. You’d think he’d learn by now. This is gonna be as big as Kid Barb ripping off Janet Jack-Sin’s top. Talk about your northern exposure. You can bet the media is going to have fun covering this trial.”
The Inquirer will of course be covering Warriv’s trial and all the wacky events leading up to it.
Blizzard has a few job openings to fill
Seeking to fill newly created and vacant positions after a few employees left the company, Blizzard has provided to the Inquirer this short list of job openings:
Billing Representative, Sound Designer, Quest Designer, Interface Designer, 3D Cinematic Artist, 2D Cinematic Artist, 1D Cinematic Artist, 4F Cinematic Artist, 42 Bug Detectors, 18 Quality Assurance Specialists, Public Relations Specialist, Diablo 3 Designer, Management Direction Specialist, Project Abandonment Specialist, Damage Control Specialist, Diplomacy Specialist, Spin Doctor Extraordinaire, Harmony Maintainer, Soul Soother, Ego Massager, Bankruptcy Analyst, and 26 General Counsel positions. Many of the positions are now no experience necessary. Check the Blizzard website for details. And who says there aren’t any jobs out there.
Behind the scenes of “Kill Baal: Vol. 1”
The Inquirer is proud to bring you exclusive information about the new movie currently in production, Kill Baal: Vol. 1. It is the story about an assassin attacked on her wedding day and left for dead by Baal and his minions. Waking up from a coma years later, she vows revenge. Janet Jackson was set to play the lead role of the Assassin, but due to fears she could accidentally lose her top, she had to be let go. Alan Smithee, the film’s director said that he “couldn’t have the fear of nudity showing up because it would get in the way of all the violence, blood, and severed limbs.” It has not been decided who would replace her, but several other parts have been cast and we have some choice dialogue as well.
John Goodman as the Barbarian
“Hey Druid! Still trying to put the moves on the Amazon?
You fell for her decoy again!”
Billy Crystal as the Druid
“I just can’t help it. The Amazon brings out the beast in me. Hey bear! Stop it! You’re
supposed to do that in the woods! I swear my summons have no respect for me.”
Paris Hilton as the Sorceress
“I don’t have to cast spells. I just have to look good.”
Joan Rivers as Akara
“I am Akara, high priestess of the Sisterhood of the Thoughtless Head. Can we talk? Don’t listen to Kashya. She doesn’t command anything. And whatever you do, don’t criticize Andariel’s fashion sense. What a bitch!”
Sean Connery as Deckard Cain
“Regrettably I could do nothing about Tristam. I’m not freakin’ Gandalf you know. I’m just an old sage. Could you take me someplace comfortable while you go kill Baal?”
Mariah Carey as Blood Raven
“Join my army of those whose careers are dead. You can work beside the cast of ‘Different Strokes’ right here. Or the producers of ‘Glitter’ and ‘Gigli’ over there.”
Martha Stewart as the Countess
“Here for a blood bath? When I take one I use a variety of herbs and rose petals to complement the experience. Even though it’s rare, try to get Type AB blood. Type O can really dry up your skin. And don’t believe it when anyone from Lower Kurast tells you she’s a virgin. It’s a good thing.”
Anna Nicole Smith as Andariel
“Die, maggot! But before you die, do you know any single adventurers who are old and rich? And could you introduce me to them?”
Keep reading the Inquirer for details of the upcoming movies Kill Baal: Vol. 2, Kill Baal: Vol. 3, Kill Baal: Vol. 4, and Kill Baal: Vol. 5.
The real truth behind Assassin presence in Kurast uncovered
Once again the Inquirer has the scoop on a breaking news story out of Kurast. It was widely believed that Natalya was sent by the Assassin’s Guild to Kurast to ascertain the loyalty of the mage Ormus. However that was not the main reason they would go to all that trouble to send her there. “The guild was already certain that Ormus was not a threat,” said a source close to Natalya. “You see Ormus was once nicknamed ‘Ormus the Enormous’ and they wanted to know if that rumor was based on fact or fiction.” When we asked if Natalya was successful in her mission, she replied that “Natalya returned home with good news and bad news. The rumor was indeed true. However she also noticed the way Ormus looked at Deckard Cain when he was in town. It was definitely something more than staff envy, she reported.” The disappointed Assassin’s Guild declined comment.
Introducing Diablo2bot
[Editor’s note: Normally we don’t allow ads for hacks or cheats to compromise the integrity of the Inquirer. But someone waved money in the face of the boss and that was that.]
Don’t have the patience to level up your character? Don’t want to be bothered with battling the Ancients? Or exploring the Arcane Sanctuary? Or Act 3? Or hell difficulty?
Introducing Diablo2bot.
Just run this program on your computer and it plays Diablo 2 for you. No more tough decisions about where to allocate those skill and stat points. No more deciding what equipment to wear, and when to move on to the next difficultly level. Diablo2bot does it all for you. You don’t even have to decide what character to play. Just come back in a week and you’ll have a Level 99 character! Truly amazing! And it’s free! Just download the program at our site, imalazyass.net. You may be thinking, “Does Diablo2bot give me a powerful character with uber-equipment?” No, Diablo2bot assigns skills and equipment at random, so you may end up with a personalized Angelic Sickle socketed with an El rune and the skill Howl maxed. But what does it matter? You’ve got a Level 99 Patriarch!
But for those who actually want to choose their characters and equipment, for the low price of $99.95, you can download Diablo2bot Professional, where you can request an Avenger Paladin with the full Griswold’s set. Want a Whirlwind Barb with a Cruel Colossus Blade of Quickness? A Tri-elemental Sorc with an Oculus? Diablo2bot Professional will give you one! And in just 72 hours! Absolutely phenomenal!
And for those of you who want it all, there’s Diablo2bot Enterprise Edition. It not only creates your character for you, but also logs on to Battle.net, hacks into other player’s accounts, mass dups their best items, and sells them on Ebay for hundreds of dollars! All in the same day! It does it all! How much would you expect to pay for a software package like this? $10,000? Well for a limited time we are offering Diablo2bot Enterprise Edition for only four easy payments of $749.99! So act now! Supplies are limited.
Now for 1.10. Cash only please. No SOJs accepted.
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