Blizzard headquarters quarantined

Blizzard Labs was quarantined yesterday, immediately after a report of an outbreak of a feared strain of Compulingus Malleluyah, more commonly known as Nerd Flu. Authorities quickly sectioned off the surrounding area, with no one being able to enter or leave except for official-looking people in space suits.

In the neighborhood nearby, thousands of people were running through the streets. Fortunately the road they were running on was circular, so they never went anywhere where they could cause a problem.

The Inquirer was lucky enough to speak with a Blizzard employee, who was wrapped up from head to toe like a mummy, expect for a small hole at his mouth, and placed in a plastic bubble.

“It didn’t come from us. Some employees from a foreign computer company came uninvited to our office party. We’re not normally allowed to talk to strangers, and I’ve warned the others about safe chatting. But apparently they didn’t pay attention. Now if this gets outside Blizzard to other high-tech companies, it could easily become pandemic. Even worse, if the Battlenet servers go down, there will be no one to fix them and realm play will come to an end.”

Nerd Flu, while currently harmless to normal folks like you and me, if allowed to spread, could potentially wipe out all of the world’s computer professionals. While some look upon this as not a bad thing, we will have no one to fix our computers if something goes wrong.

The Inquirer will continue to cover this developing story.

Den of Evil may lose its affiliation or possibly be abandoned

Sources in Sanctuary have confirmed that the Den of Evil is under review and may be stripped of its title. The reason for this review seems to be that its residents are not doing enough to counter the Forces of Good and that rookie heroes continually enter it and slaughter its occupants with ease. There has even been talk that the purpose for it being there in the first place is wrong and that all the residents should be withdrawn.

“We should withdraw all minions immediately,” said a high-ranking member of the Demonocrats, currently the minority party in Hell. “Diablo said that there were large numbers of Forces of Good at an encampment close by, and that it was necessary to keep Forces of Evil there to counter them. I’ve been there, and there is nothing but self-centered rogues, scam artists, and few wannabe heroes that didn’t hang around long enough for anyone to remember their names.

"The fact is that the minions of Hell have been lied to about what happens in the Den of Evil and the reason that it is there at all. We are continually spending resources and losing troops there. Bring them home now! Or at least provide a timetable for their withdrawal. But instead Diablo’s response is to withdraw the heads of his most vocal opponents.”

The residents of the Den have countered that they don’t have enough equipment, supplies and good recruits. “We’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got,” replied a spokesperson for Corpsefire, the Den’s leader. “But zombies can’t move or fight very fast. And Fallen are weak and lazy. Why can’t they give us some Blood Lords or Oblivion Knights? And it’s not fair that Akara offers heroes a skill point to slaughter us. Why can’t she give them a useless magic ring like she does for rescuing Deckard Cain? I wish somebody would go kill that bitch! Oh you don’t expect me to do it, do you?”

Even if its forces are not withdrawn, the Den of Evil may still be renamed to the Den of Inequity, or even the Den of Ineptitude. Keep reading the Inquirer for details.

Pandemonium accused of using steroids

PDF member Pandemonium is currently under investigation for possible steroid use, according to forum moderators. The moderators won’t say how long the investigation has been ongoing, nor when will it end.

The Inquirer wasn’t able to get any information as to what charges will be filed, or what penalties will be handed down. As to why there is an investigation in the first place, a moderator, who asked not to be identified, so we will respect Sondan’s wishes, had this to say: “There’s only one way someone could be nearing 6,000 posts and not have a writing staff. He’s got to be on steroids.”

The moderators are still trying to decide on a lead investigator in the case. The job was offered to Inquirer founder and CEO Inquisitor95 because they thought he would be a natural for the job a nd because 21 other candidates declined the offer, including several former FEMA employees, Kenneth Starr, and Inspector Clouseau.

However, Inquisitor95 declined as well, citing conflict of interest. He stated that he “wouldn’t feel right investigating my good friend Pandemonium.” He also went on to say that he could probably make more money on rumors and innuendo than on actually uncovering the truth. He then recommended that they try the same people that have investigated Lance Armstrong, as they have certainly become experts at continuously investigating steroid use without ever uncovering any proof. You can count on the Inquirer to cover this story no matter how long it takes.

Countess released from prison

The Countess has finally been released from prison after serving time for her role in a rune-drop-fixing scandal.

She had pleaded guilty to conspiring to give higher-level runes to players for providing her with virgins for her blood baths, while regular players were left with lower-level runes. Many had protested that only three months in jail was too light a sentence.

However she is now under house arrest indefinitely in her Forgotten Tower. She must now wear an ankle bracelet continually, and is not allowed to take any baths for the foreseeable future.

Players can once again visit the Forgotten Tower, slaughter the Countess, and claim countless piles of gold and her runes to their heart’s delight. If they can stand the smell.

A Few More Minutes with Andy Looney

Andy Looney returns with another one of his inspired columns because one of our staff members was stupid enough to put No-Doze in his Geritol. We apologize in advance.

Have you ever noticed that so many useless items drop while playing the game? There are small creatures like Fallen and Flayers that drop huge poleaxes and cracked heavy armor. How do they store things bigger than themselves? But if you’ve been playing the game long enough, you tend to ignore most everything in what was once a battlefield and is now a junkyard, while making the occasional joke about cracked sashes. Many players don’t even bother to look at rare items that drop. If it’s not green or gold, it’s not worth even being sold. And of course if you are looking for a specific armor or weapon, when it finally drops, it will be damaged or low quality. Class-specific items that drop will be for every class except the one you’re playing. And when unique items that have variable properties drop, they will be on the low end of the scale.

There are plenty of items everyone hates to see drop because they are so common and useless. Anything from the Isenhart’s set comes to mind. But I’m writing this article to inform everyone about the one item which should be the most hated item in all of Diablo. And that item is the colossus girdle. You might say, “Colossus girdle? I don’t think I’ve seen one drop. And even if it did, why should I hate it?”

If you want to know the answer and become really annoyed when one does drop, read on. If you want to remain blissfully ignorant and continue making jokes about cracked sashes and Isenhart’s Cases, stop reading now, or you will never feel the same about seeing a colossus girdle drop again.

First of all, the name colossus girdle is bad enough. You don’t hear anybody saying, “My sorc looks really hot in her colossus girdle.” With a name like that, it must be reserved for incredibly fat characters. Wouldn’t it be something if characters had a weight stat and if it got too high because your character didn’t eat right and exercise, the only belt you would be able to equip would be the colossus girdle? Couldn’t you just hear the laughter from other players on the realms seeing your character having to wear a fat belt? At least you get to store the maximum of 16 potions or scrolls when you wear one. But even if you wanted to wear one, the strength requirement for it is a whopping 185. Have you ever heard anyone say, “I really struggled in Hell difficulty until I was finally able to equip my colossus girdle. Now I rule!” I didn’t think so.

Still reading? You’re bold, foolish, or both.

The reason you don’t see many colossus girdles drop is that they are in the highest treasure class in the game. It is a heavily populated treasure class containing items like the glorious axe, giant thresher, mythical sword, sacred armor, hydra bow, and colossus blade. Notice how the word colossus sounds impressive when describing a blade or a crossbow or a voulge. I don’t even know what a voulge is but it must be something good for the word colossus to be associated with it. But a girdle? Try telling your wife or girlfriend you’re going to get her a colossus girdle for her birthday and see what happens. But I digress.

The primary reason why everyone should hate with a passion to see a colossus girdle drop is that when one does, you know that you got a drop from the highest treasure class and, instead of getting a berserker axe, a caduceus, a scissors suwayyah, a thunder maul, or a war pike, or something else you could make a kick-ass runeword out of, you’ve got a colossus girdle. Congratulations. Maybe you could imbue it. Do you know anyone who has ever imbued a colossus girdle? I didn’t think so.

Cheer up. One nice thing about a colossus girdle is that with a durability of 24, it has the highest durability of all the elite belts. Does that matter? Not really. But it allows you to say that another player has to repair his Arachnid Mesh twice as often as you do your colossus girdle. And if you are lucky enough to get a rare colossus girdle to drop, it might have twice that durability. Or even triple durability. This is because when an item destined to become a set or unique drops, but no set or unique exists for that item, it is converted to a rare version with double durability if it was supposed to be a set item, and triple durability, if it was supposed to be a unique. It is referred to as a hidurare. So when you see a rare colossus girdle with a durability of 72 drop, now you know that you could have been looking at a Windforce, Grandfather, Crown of Ages, Griffon’s Eye, Astreon’s Iron Ward, Death Cleaver, Death’s Web, Death’s Fathom, or even Tyrael’s Might. But you’re not because the game chose to drop you a colossus girdle instead. But maybe that colossus girdle might have some really good properties. Good luck with that.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotten so annoyed writing this that I have to breathe into a paper bag to stop my hyperventilating.

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