[Editor's note:  Because Paris Hilton's phone number list was distributed on the Internet last month, our boss was inundated with telephone calls, making him so cranky that he fired three more staff members, leaving the Inquirer seriously understaffed.  We apologize for any typos, intelligent writing, or other mistakes you may find.]

Necromancers to try one of their own

The Necromancers Guild is reluctantly making preparations for a trial of one of their most famous members and one of the most famous celebrities in all of Sanctuary.  Morgul Hacksome, the actor, comedian, and former member of the Hacksome Five, has been formally charged with various counts of abusing undead stygian dolls. 

Prince Hacksome, as he likes to call himself, is well known for performing songs, such as Zombie Jean (is not my ghoul), Don't Stop ‘Til You Curse Enough, PDT (Pretty Dead Thing), Wanna Be Raisin' Somethin', and  (Don't really matter if your) Dead or Alive.  Others know him for his famous Red-Necro comedy routine.  Some of his famous one-liners include:

You might be a Red-Necro if…

• You've looked for corpses to raise under the siege machine parts strewn about your front lawn.
• Townsfolk have run you off because you've made golems out of their memorial statues.
• Your skeletons have more teeth than you do.
• You've accidentally blown up a corpse by farting.
• You've killed, revived, and killed again an in-law within five minutes.
• Zombies have moved out of your home because of the living conditions.

He also developed a reputation for sneaking into funeral ceremonies and blowing up the corpses of the deceased while their eulogies were being given as a publicity stunt.  He also thought it was fun to send fire golems into newly completed mansions of various heroes and nobles.  The result of these stunts was often the burning of those homes to the ground.  But maybe his favorite thing to do was catch town officials in compromising situations and cast bone prisons around them.  But while his fans loved it, he created a lot of enemies because of it.  The stress of his life and his bone rot disease has turned his skin from pure white to a more life-like pinkish color. And now he spends most of his time hanging out at his Graverland Ranch with his clay golem Muddles.

"He will never realize it, but he has been digging his own grave," said a confidante who asked not to be identified, so we'll call him Tito.  "He's going to end up just like Pelvis Grisley," he said, referring to one of the most adored Necromancers, who met success and his demise at an early age.  I told him to stay away from the stygian dolls but he never listens to me.  Now the whole matter has blown up in his face.  I never thought it was possible for Necromancers to refer to other Necromancers as freaks until I got to know him."

Hacksome still has many supporters.  But as more stygian dolls come forward with their allegations, the situation is starting to look grim.  In a pre-trial hearing, one stygian doll testified that Morgul came to him dressed in pieces of the Angelic Raiment set and that the way Morgul touched him made him feel "so alive."  The judge had to call an immediate recess so that everyone in the courtroom could decompose themselves.

Finding a jury of his peers is going to be difficult, if not impossible.  "There's hardly anyone who he hasn't cursed, raised from the dead, or blown up a body for," said a guild member.  "As usual, the defense wants to fill the jury with zombies but the prosecution won't tolerate that.  I've got a feeling this trial is going to take an eternity to finish."  We at the Inquirer can only hope so and will continue to bring you all the details.

In the coming months, heroes should expect to find few or no mercenaries in Lut Gholein available for hire.  Citing being overworked and underpaid, the newly formed Desert Union Mercenaries for Better Entitlements and Rewards (DUMBER) is going on strike.  At first only the might, holy freeze, and defiance mercs were planning to strike.  But the Inquirer has learned that all Act 2 mercs, even the prayer and blessed aim ones, are now onboard for "as long as it takes."

"At first, I was reluctant," said Ahsab, a defiance merc.  "Those union people are always bugging us to join, pay dues, strike, or something.  "But my mother was against me joining a union so I did it.  I made a good living as a defiance merc but she's constantly nagging me about how I should have been a holy freeze merc like my father.  She never respects my dreams.  I should have run off to join the circus or become a musician.  I can't take it anymore."

"We are far more popular than mercs from other areas, yet we still cost about the same to hire, so we never get a rest," said Gulzar, a holy freeze merc and union organizer.  "And most of the time, our masters treat us like crap.  One time I accompanied a hero from near the beginning of his campaign to near the end of it equipped with the same rare leather armor with +2 poison resist and +3 maximum stamina, as well as the same plain old helm with two sockets that he never bothered to put anything in.  Oh and my weapon is a Dragon Chang spear, 13-15 damage.  And he sends me in to face Hell Duriel!  What do you want me to do?  Give him an acupuncture treatment?  I've tried not turning on my aura in protest, but he just doesn't get it.  And when I've got less than ten hit points left, he's fumbling with his healing potions, trying to decide if he should use a minor healing one or a light healing one.  Give me a full rejuvenation potion dammit!  And I never get the pleasure of seeing him running back into town screaming because I'm dead by then.  I've had it!  Go hire an Iron Wolf!  I'm sure there are plenty of them available."

Behind the scenes of Kill Baal: Vol. 4

The Inquirer is once again your source of exclusive information on the upcoming movie Kill Baal: Vol. 4, which is currently in production along with the first, second, third, and fifth movies of the series.  It is the story about an assassin attacked on her wedding day and left for dead by Baal and his minions.  Waking up from a coma years later, she vows revenge.  The fourth movie of this epic series takes place in Hell, but was filmed in New Jersey so a studio wouldn't be needed.  The director is especially optimistic about this installment winning lots of Oscars.  The Inquirer reveals more casting decisions and choice dialogue.

• Jack Nicholson as Izual: "Tyrael was a fool to have trusted me!  You see it was I who caused his wardrobe to malfunction at the Little Angels recital when we were young.  It was I who released the demon imps into his inner sanctum during his first hangover.  It was I who ran up his Angelic Express card.  It was I who hid the rotting carcass in his locker when…what?  Sorry but I don't know anything about the One Soulstone to rule them all or that it can only be destroyed at the Hellforge.  Now where was I?  Ah yes, the pentagram on the floor of the Holiest Chamber.  That was me too."



• Dustin Hoffman as Tyrael: "Thank you, heroes, for putting Izual's spirit to rest.  But if what you tell me is true, oh I'm so embarrassed!"



• Angelina Jolie as the Amazon: "I just kneed the Druid in the groin and he's not crawling on the ground in agony.  There must be more to this Druid than meets the eye.  Yes, a mithril coil!  You are full of surprises.  And no, I don't want to see the surprise in your pants."



• Paris Hilton as the Sorceress: "I'm so cold.  Could someone turn up the heat?  Yes I know we're in Hell.  I swear this is the last time I try to use shiver armor.  So anyway, this Fetish here.  He's been tracking us since Kurast.  He says his name is Wantoo Eatyoo and he claims to be the property of an Obi-Wan Cain-Obi.  Is he a relative of yours?



• Sean Connery as Deckard Cain: "Obi-Wan Cain-Obi?  Now that's a name I've not heard in many years.  Funny I don't remember ever having a Fetish.  Well yes I do but that's not the same kind of…never mind.  I suspect he's carrying a lost Horadric scroll revealing that the Worldstone is a battle station for the minions of evil.  And that it must be destroyed.  And that we must get past Baal to do it.  And that it has only one weakness we can exploit.  And if we fail, we are doomed.  But I could be wrong."



• John Travolta as an Oblivion Knight: "No don't cast it yet.  Wait until they get real close.  A little longer.  Hold on.  Closer, closer.  Now!  Cast it now!  Ooh yeah!  I love the sound of screams due to iron maiden."



• Billy Crystal as the Druid: "The Soulstone is so heavy!  It's such a burden!  I know that I've got to destroy it.  It's just that I'm afraid to do it!  I wish it had never come to me."



• John Goodman as the Barbarian: "Then give it to me.  The Soulstone is as light as a feather.  I'd say it's got more to do with that giant axe in your backpack and that bear you're carrying because its paws are too sore.  And no more theatrics about how I only want it for myself or I'll use the hammer on your head after I finish using it on the stone."



• Nathan Lane as the Paladin: "Your skeletons are all dead and there are no more bodies left.  You have to summon a golem. Holy crap!  And I'm not talking about an aura.  That's the state of my pants!"



• Andy Serkis as Golem: "Master tricked us.  Master hates us.  Master betrayed us!  Kill Master!"



• Christopher Walken as the Necromancer: "I'm sorry but I was never any good at golem mastery.  I skipped school that day."



• Ashlee Simpson as Natalya: "Oh all these arrows in me feel so uncomfortable.  How come they didn't shoot anyone else?  My time is at an end.  I would have followed you, my captain, my queen.  Do not let the world of assassins fall.  For the Rogues, for Kurast!  For Alkor.  Oh the sex was amazing!  I never thought he would have had it in him.  Do you still remember the Shire?  Do you remember when we were little and played with our training claws trying to see how much flesh we could rip off each other?  Anyway, go now.  And may the Force be with you.  And be sure to kill whatever bursts out of my chest."



• Janet Jackson as the Assassin: "I will make sure the world of assassins does not fall, even if I have to kill everyone to do it!  And it's not too late to take acting lessons, you know.  You could work them in with your singing lessons."



• James Earl Jones as the voice of Diablo (Diablo played by Kirstie Alley due to Anna Nicole Smith's nervous breakdown): "Yes it's true.  I am your father, Assassin.  In fact I am the father of all of you.  Except the Paladin.  No way could I be the father of someone so annoying.  And maybe the Druid.  But the Necromancer, Barbarian, the Amazon, the Sorceress, oh definitely the Sorceress.  You all have a destiny to come to the Dark Side to complete your training.  And you get a free imbue just for signing up.  And I'll finally have enough points to take that dream vacation.  Come on girls.  Daddy will make it all better!"

Keep reading for our coverage of the final movie in the Kill Baal saga.

Cattle.net servers come online

The Inquirer has the scoop on the newest way to have online fun.  Remember how fun multi-player cow runs used to be before 1.10?  Well, Cattle.net offers a way to relive the good old days.  They have their own group of servers, separate from Battle.net.  And they're ready for you to join in the fun.  Check out their advertisement:

"We're Cattle.net.  We've got cows, cows, and more cows, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  You can start new characters here that will play in our calf pen.  Once your characters are seasoned, you can have them face cows from all over the world, from Angus to Brahman, Charolais, Hereford, Holstein, Shorthorn, Longhorn, and Jersey.  Just watch out for those cow chips.  They're lethal, as well as the charging bulls.  Are you tough enough to face some of the meanest bovines ever seen?  Then moooove yourself over to Cattle.net.  All cows, all the time.  No boring trek to get the portal open.  And kill the Cow King all you want.  If you can.  Remember, to bovine is divine.  But please don't tell anyone at Blizzard about us."

New season of Barbarian Idol begins

Many citizens of Sanctuary are making the journey to the Barbarian highlands this month not to battle Baal and his minions, but to catch the competition for the coveted title of this year's Barbarian Idol.  The following of this yearly competition has become so huge that the local blacksmiths have stopped selling weapons and armor and started selling souvenir merchandise.  And the Ancients stop testing would-be heroes' combat abilities, and start testing their singing abilities.  The Inquirer presents a highlight from last week's episode in which a contestant named Frag performed a shout warcry.  The judges' reactions were as follows:

Talic: "You know I loved it, loved it, loved it.  It was the bomb."

Madawc: "It wasn't your best performance but I liked it.  I'm looking forward to seeing you do better."

Korlic: "It was safe.  It was bland.  It was boring.  Anyone can do a shout.  My five-year-old great grandson can do a shout as good as that.  You might as well be doing a howl and watching how fast everybody leaves the area.  If you want to make it far into this competition, you'd better come in doing at least a battle cry."

Frag: "Maybe Frag should have done taunt."

Korlic: "Taunt!?  You know the last person to do a taunt in front of me?  His final resting place is about six feet underneath where I'm sitting right now."

Frag: "Then Frag should have brought special relic.  Frag give relic.  Frag get into finals.  And Korlic kiss Frag's—"

Madawc throws an ax at Frag, which buries itself in his chest.  Frag falls to the ground dead.

Korlic: "You just had to do that, didn't you?"

Madawc: "I was protecting your honor. And I'm rather surprised you didn't leap attack him before I could even pick up a weapon."

Korlic: "While I'm touched by that, I really don't want this season to end up like the last where we crowned our champion because he was the only one to survive the competition.  This is getting to be too much like our day jobs."

Talic:  "I gotta whirl away or I'm gonna hurl away."

Korlic and Madawc: "Shut up, Talic!"

Keep reading for more details of the next Barbarian Idol competition to see who gets "voted" off the mountain.

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