Controversial Necromancer touring show begins performances

Deadpan Productions newest show has begun touring despite outcry over the show’s content. Many protesters lined up outside the premiere performance of Ghouls Gone Wild, the latest Necromancer show.

But it seems that the controversy has only increased interest in the show. In fact all of the shows on the first leg of the tour have already sold out.

"When the guild learned about that, the line to buy tickets for the next show was over a mile long. People were out there trying to trade their Morgul Hacksome’s show tickets for Ghouls Gone Wild tickets. Like that’s going to happen. But maybe the most surprising thing everyone learns is that ghouls just want to have fun."

Inquirer reviewers say be sure to check out Ghouls Gone Wild when it comes to your town. Death never looked so lively.

Blizzard announces new runes for the next Diablo II patch

Diablo II players will have the chance to find three new runes when the next game patch is released. However, at this time there’s been no mention of the rarity of the new runes or how they will rank with the existing runes.

Generating the most excitement is the Skel rune, which offers +1 to the skills of a random character class. Or there’s a 1 in 8 chance for it to have +1 to all skills. The Meh rune will have a random property taken from one of the other existing runes. But the player will not know what that property is until it is placed into a socket.

The Goh rune doubles the value of any rune placed before it. For example if a Goh rune is placed after an Amn rune in a weapon, the weapon will have 14% life steal instead of the 7% normally given by the Amn. If placed after a Zod rune, the Goh rune will make an item twice as indestructible as other items with just a Zod in them.

Blizzard has also revealed two new runewords which take advantage of the new runes:

A fourth rune had to be deactivated after problems developed during its testing. The Hal rune would have given artificial intelligence to the item it was placed in, and was designed to deliver tips and hints to the player about how to play the game better. But the following log of a single player illustrates why it had to be deactivated.

Look to the Inquirer for more information on these new runes and runewords.

It’s Hard Out Here for an Imp named Best Song

It’s Hard Out Here for an Imp was named Best Song at the Sanctuary Music Awards last month, upsetting an entry by former Barbarian Idol winner Kelly Klaxon. The victory for the crossover demonic hit, which tells the story about the struggles of the lowest-level minions of evil to survive in a world full of good, surprised everyone, including the song’s producer and writer, Rakanishu, who came up with the catchy tune in the span of a few minutes.

“I was banging on some rocks in the midst of torturing captive heroes, and the next thing I knew I had a hit song,” he said modestly. “I thought I could now retire, but the Prime Evils stole all my royalties. I tell ya it’s hard out here for an imp.”

We normally publish the lyrics of the top hits in the Inquirer. However since the written lyrics of the song are so evil, they will literally cause the reader’s eyeballs to fall out of their sockets, we thought we do our readers a favor and publish the lyrics to Kelly Klaxon’s song instead. We can’t guarantee the same thing won’t happen but at least there is some possibility it won’t.

I will not join the same games that you did
I will not let myself partake in such misery
I will not complain the way that you do
You beg so much
I've learned the hard way, to leave before I go insane

Because of noobs
I never play much on the realms no more
Because of noobs
I’ve learned to guard my stuff so I don’t get scammed
Because of noobs
I find it hard to play with almost anyone around me
Because of noobs
I am annoyed

I try to play
And it's not too long before you whine and shout
I don’t know why
You have to repeat yourself so much
I told you no
But apparently you don’t know what that means
I can not possibly give you
Something I didn’t have to start with

Because of noobs
I never play much on the realms no more
Because of noobs
I’ve learned to guard my stuff so I don’t get scammed
Because of noobs
I find it hard to play with almost anyone around me
Because of noobs
I’ve been restrained

I watched you leech
Never heard such speech
Every time you get your way
I was so dumb
I should have known better than to let you join
You never thought of anyone else
You just grabbed that Zod
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of noobs
I never play much on the realms no more
Because of noobs
I’ve learned to guard my stuff so I don’t get scammed
Because of noobs
I’m starting just to delete everything
Because of noobs
I don't know how to play this game
Because of noobs
I'm ashamed of my gear because I’ve got nothing
Because of noobs
I am deranged

Because of noobs

Pottery Emporium acquires Basket Mart

Pottery Emporium, the largest producer of urns found in the desert surrounding Lut Gholein, has made a deal to buy Basket Mart, producers of baskets found in Kurast and other areas of Sanctuary. The new company will be known as The Container Store. This acquisition makes The Container Store the largest producer of random containers of hero equipment and treasures.

Representatives of other container companies have expressed concerns over the deal, however. “They now have the ability to monopolize the industry by running all of its competitors out of business,” said a spokesman for Chests R Us. “We are the premiere maker of treasure chests and we will not go down easy though.”

Others were not so confident. “My boss is going to have a heart attack when he hears about this,” said an employee of Crate and Barrel. Do you think they’ll have any job openings over there?”

Others were apathetic. “We make skulls and rocks,” said an employee of Skulls and Rocks Inc. “We don’t care what others make.”

Unfortunately the new company doesn’t seem too customer friendly. When asked whether they might increase the drop rate of its containers, an official replied, “Why would we want to do that?”

Mr. Know-it-all answers your questions

In this new segment, Mr. Know-it-all, our resident Diablo II expert answers your game-related and sometimes, other kinds of questions. Just don’t expect him to be happy about it.

Dear Mr. Know-it-all:

I just got married recently and I’ve never been happier. But yesterday I went to play Diablo II and I started to wonder. Can I still continue to play single player? I hope so because I don’t want to have to play with all the annoying people online ever again. Please help.

Stressed in San Francisco

Dear Stressed:

I completely understand. I wouldn’t want to play with those annoying people either. I have a solution. Get a divorce. That happiness is going to wear off soon enough but Diablo II is forever.

Dear Mr. Know-it-all:

My Barbarian has many points in mace mastery and none in sword mastery. But I just acquired The Grandfather sword and want to use it. Is there anyway I can use the sword but still apply the extra damage I get from mace mastery?

Mace Windu

Dear Mr. Windu:

Of course you can. All you have to do is equip the sword upside down. Then he will hold the sword by the sharp end while hitting the monsters with the blunt end. Then your mace mastery will apply. You might see a little blood dripping from your character’s hands, but it’s nothing to worry about.

Dear Mr. Know-it-all:

I’m worried about my killing speed when I’m taking new characters through normal difficulty. Can you suggest tips for tweaking gear? Also is there anything I can equip to find more runes? Also I hate those flayers in Act 3. Is there anything I can do to reduce the large number of them that attack me at a time? And will there be a Diablo 3? Thanks in advance.

Perplexed in Peoria

Dear Perplexed:

You ask a lot of questions. And probably not to the right people. There are lots of therapists who would like nothing better to do than answer them, providing you go into debt for the rest of your life. But what the hell! Let me waste the rest of my day to enlighten you. Enlighten is most likely the wrong term but here goes. As for tweaking gear, pay attention to what you’re using. For example, so many people equip characters with a long battle bow instead of a short battle bow. This is stupid. I don’t know about you but I prefer to keep my battles short. So use the short battle bow.

As for finding more runes, I don’t know why more people haven’t figured this out: use a rune bow, a rune sword, or a rune scepter. Isn’t it so obvious? As for those nasty flayers, there’s a little-known command you can type in after hitting the enter key: Flayers 1. That will make them attack you one at a time. You can increase the number if you feel brave enough. As for Diablo 3, if you picket Blizzard Entertainment’s headquarters day and night with a sign that says “Give me 3” you will help expedite the release of Diablo 3. If they ask you three of what, just tell them, “You know what I mean. Stop wasting time and get back to work!” Don’t give up. This will benefit us all.

Dear Mr. Know-it-all:

My softcore Barbarian has the following equipment: A “Dream” helm, “Enigma” armor, an ethereal “Breath of the Dying” thunder maul, Dracul’s Grasp gloves, and a bunch of other stuff I can’t think of. He has 3k life with battle orders, maxed resistances, does 12k damage, and just hit Level 80. My question is do you think he is ready for Nightmare difficulty?

Unsure in Utah

Dear Unsure:

You really need to take some chances in your life. Go on a date. Wave a red cape in front of a bull. Go skydiving and no matter what anyone tells you, insist on not wearing a parachute. Tell them parachutes are for wimps. Play Russian roulette, preferably with a shotgun (okay double barrel if you must). Life’s too short to play normal that long.

Dear Mr. Know-it-all:

Why do you all your answers seem to contradict other experts who have consulted the actual game code in order to come up with their answers? With every column of yours that I read, I’m beginning to think that you haven’t got a clue what you are talking about. Prove me wrong.

Disgruntled in downtown

Dear Disgruntled:

You’re wrong because you make bad assumptions. You are correct in that one should look at the code to find the answers. But you have to know the code. What you’ll be surprised to discover is that the code is more what you’d call guidelines than actual rules. That’s right. Blizzard’s code is so convoluted, the computer often bypasses whole blocks of it or does something entirely different when it feels like it. More often than not, when you look at your character’s stats, the numbers you see are whatever the computer feels like putting there at the time. Prove me wrong.

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