Diablo sues Diablo Clone

Sources in Hell have confirmed that Diablo filed a lawsuit against his clone last week. The lawsuit, submitted on a 666 page document written entirely in blood, requests that damages be awarded for numerous offenses, including slander, libel, being a poor role model for evil, annoying the neighbors, misuse of a credit card, playing too many practical jokes, cranking up the air conditioning, loud playing of music, leaving an empty milk carton in the fridge, giving a noogie, and identity theft.

Diablo has avoided commenting about the suit in public, but was heard to say in private, “I told them to make him one-eighth my size so I could call him Mini D, but they screwed that up and now he thinks he’s the reason everyone plays this game. I’m the Prime Evil. He’s just a gimmick! The last time I checked, the game was called Diablo, not Diablo Clone.” The Diablo Clone, or Uber D, as he prefers to be called, didn’t hesitate when asked to make a rebuttal. “He thinks he can intimidate me with the lawsuit. Ooh, I so scared! I’m about to get my own lawyer. I hear Johnnie Cochran is due here any day, but even if that’s not the case, there are plenty of lawyers to choose from in Hell. He’s just jealous because I’m the bomb and I get to walk the earth while Mr. Boring is stuck in his poor little sanctuary. Everyone looks forward to facing me while he’s just another quest to get out of the way. I have no doubt that I will triumph over that bitter prima donna.”

A judge has yet to be appointed. But both sides are in agreement that they don't care who it is, as long as it's not Judge Judy.

Larry the Liar levels to top of ladder

A new champion sits atop the ladder these days in Battlenet. Larry the Liar sat down to talk with Inquirer reporters, promising an exclusive interview. “I must admit the food here is so much better than all the other publications I’ve talked to,” he said. “But I’m really disappointed that there’s no beer. But I must admit it was quite the accomplishment taking my sorceress from Level 1 to 99 over the weekend. I’ll bet you don’t see many sorcs carrying a ‘Breath of the Dying’ thunder maul and having 5000 mana. But even with that many weapons, I’ve managed to kill Baal using nothing but telekinesis, after which he dropped a Zod rune and Tyrael’s Might. Yes that Zod is sweet but not as sweet as the one I cubed myself starting from El runes.

"People ask me all the time how I get all my awesome gear. It’s pretty easy when you’ve got a character with 2,000 magic find. But then again, I’ve had a character with no magic find get Mephisto to drop the complete Griswold’s set in a single run. Well I’m off to do more interviews. Then I’m going to make ‘Breath of the Dying’ out of a crystal sword just to piss people off. Cheers.”

Editor’s note: Larry didn’t end up doing much more that day after the generous amount of laxatives in his food kicked in.

Cow Queen delivers new hit single

Be sure to check out the latest and greatest song from Cow Queen, Bovinian Rhapsody. It's all the rage on the Moo Moo Farm. Here are the lyrics presented exclusively by the Inquirer.

Bovinian Rhapsody (A Noob's Tale)
Based on "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

Am I still online?
Won't you please help me please?
Caught in a lag time
No escape from mortality
Create a new game
I'm not that lame, rush me
I'm just a poor noob, I have no gear you see
And I'm frenzied now, gotta go
Deadly strike, crushing blow
Anything I can use doesn't really matter to me,
To me

Partner, just killed a cow
Put my sword right through its frame
Now I'll never be the same
Partner, there are lots of them
But now I've gone and died again
Partner ooo,
Didn't mean to kill the king
But I'll be back again same time tomorrow
To play again, play again
Why does it really matter?

Too late, messed up again
I've lost all of my best gear
To a scammer that was here
Hey everybody, please don't go
Don't leave me behind alone to face them all
Partner ooo (here come the cows now)
I don't want to die
I just want to play beside you all

I really wanna join your group if I can
Silly noob, silly noob, will you go get the Wirt's leg?
Thunderstorm and lightning, Tristram beasts are frightening me
Rakanishu, Rakanishu
Rakanishu, Rakanishu
Rakanishu, Griswold, I got the leg!
I'm just a poor noob and nobody wants me
He's just a poor noob who can't kill a thing
Give him some gear like a Cathan's ring
Frenzied now, gotta go, will you let me join?
You moron! No we will not let you join! Let him join!
You moron! No we will not let you join! Let him join!
You moron! No we will not let you join! Let him join!
Will not let you join! Let him join!
Will not let you join! Let him join!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm begging please, I'm begging please let me join
Diablo II has become addictive to me, to me!

So you think you can leech and then steal all my drops
I should kill you again and again til you pop
You baby! I shall hostile you baby
Why don't you get out, why don't you get right outta here

Nothing really matters
But killing cows you see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to me

Any way the cows go...

Diary of a Noob

The Inquirer is proud to present an exclusive account of a new player's adventures in Diablo II on Battle.net over the course of six weeks. Perhaps other new players can learn something from his experience. Then again, perhaps not.

September 30

"Been playing a paladin. Some guys I just talked to told me to save my skill points for zeal and fanaticism, but why wait when skills like might and sacrifice kick ass. Who needs those other ones? Damn I just died again! I thought I was at full health a moment ago. What gives? I guess I need to put a point or two in vitality next level."

October 11

"Gave up on my pally. He sucks because he dies too much. So I started a sorceress. The folks on this message board talk a lot about nova so I'm going to try it out. They seemed to be discussing it for 1.09. I have 1.10 but it can't be that much different. This spell static field is really weird. The first time I used it, it took a huge chunk of life out of everything around me. But the more I use it the worse it does. Why won't it kill anything?"

October 19

"Signed up at a new forum using the nick I_HATE_SORCS. My first post asking for items was pretty much ignored. I said 'PLZ!' seven times. Why won't anybody help me? So I went to Battlenet asking the same thing. Met this guy named PlayaKilla. He's pretty cool. He told me to type "/DND" and my account name and password and then people might send stuff my way. He told me DND was short for donate notice distribution and that I could get cool stuff by using it. I'm trying out a barbarian while I'm waiting for the free items to come in. Conan is going to be using leap attack and berserk."

October 21

"Hell my account is gone! At first I couldn't get in. Now it's totally gone. Not that I care. My stupid barb couldn't stay alive long enough to do anything. PlayaKilla was real sympathetic. He gave me a full set. All these bonuses are neat. And since it's so tough to complete a set, I'll bet there aren't many other players out there like me. My Isenhart's set rocks! My assassin shows promise. This psychic hammer skill is cool! And cobra strike as well. If monsters take my life away, I take it back! And shadow master, what a cool minion! Hey why did everything go dark again? Met this extremely generous guy. He said he had found every rune and offered me whatever one I wanted. I started to say, 'Um... let me get back to you on that. I don't know much about runes.' But before I could finish, he dropped a rune and left. Um. That's a good rune, right?"

November 5

"I hate this stupid game! I don't know why I continue to play it. I started playing a druid because according to his skill trees, he's a fighter and a mage. So I put all these points into the spells and then I shift into a wolf and now I can't cast nothing. And my poison creeper doesn't last even a minute. What a screwed up character!"

November 11

"Well I'm back playing again five days after telling everyone that I was quitting the game for good. It didn't matter anyway. No one seemed to notice that I was gone. My necro is coming along nicely. My skeletons actually kill things, and I'm finding nice items. I think I'm impressing PlayaKilla, as he follows me around, giving me encouragement, and telling me about all the great items I'm finding. I rule! Made a big trade today. I gave up an Arkaine's Valor to get my first piece of the rare Griswold's Set, Griswold's Edge. I wonder why it's gold. I thought set items were green. Must be a truly unique set."

November 17

"I've been playing Battlenet nonstop lately. I guess my exploits have gotten the attention of the folks at Blizzard, as they sent me an e-mail offering a special deal to upgrade my account to eliminate lag for a one-time, $2 service fee. All they needed was my account number, password, and a credit card number. Cool! I've acquired a lot of neat gear for my zon, as she continues to level, although I'm still embarrassed about when I first got decoy. I'm casting it and then I'm screaming, 'Why do you just sit there? Kill something!' Then PlayaKilla explained what the decoy does."

"Anyway a little later my inventory is full of goodies and we decide to return to town. We're out of scrolls so we make our way to the waypoint with PlayaKilla running ahead of me. The next thing I know, someone is hostiling me. Then PlayaKilla comes back from the waypoint and kills me before I can react. I ask what's up with that and he says it was all in fun. So I go back to get my body and he's out there laying all sorts of junk around it. The next thing I know, I'm dead again and all my equipment starts popping out of my body on the ground. He starts picking it all up, laughing away the whole time. I never understood why PlayaKilla did that to me because he vanished after that. Two days later and my account did the same thing. And I'm gone for good too. This game blows."

Inquirer Special Feature: Test Your Diablo Knowledge

Are you a Diablo Expert? Take this test to find out. The instructions are so simple even a noob can follow them. Just pick the best answer to each of the following questions.

1. Diablo II is:
   1. The action packed sequel to the movie Diablo, starring Will Smith
   2. A satellite launched into space by Mexico last year
   3. A sexually transmitted disease
   4. A computer game


2. One of the prime evils is named:
   1. Madonna
   2. Eminem
   3. Mephisto
   4. Microsoft


3. A character class introduced in the expansion is the:
   1. Assassin
   2. Gynecologist
   3. Dominatrix
   4. Politician


4. One of the Barbarian's war cries is:
   1. Scream
   2. Shout
   3. Whine
   4. Belch


5. One of the Paladin's auras is:
   1. Fanaticism
   2. Exorcism
   3. Cynicism
   4. Communism


6. A Druid can transform into this horrible creature:
   1. Werebear
   2. Carebear
   3. Lawyer
   4. Barney


7. Amazons can summon:
   1. Oprah
   2. A Chippendale Dancer
   3. Martha Stewart
   4. A Valkyrie


8. One of the Necromancer's golems is made from this material:
   1. Iron
   2. Styrofoam
   3. Silicone
   4. Cubic Zirconium


9. Diablo resides in:
   1. The Bat Cave
   2. Pee Wee's Playhouse
   3. The Chaos Sanctuary
   4. The Enron Executive Lounge


10. These were used to try to contain the Prime Evils:
    1. Gall Stones
    2. Soul Stones
    3. Sardine Cans
    4. Port-a-potties


11. The Act 1 and Act 2 bosses are known as the Lesser Evils:
    1. Andariel and Duriel
    2. Laverne and Shirley
    3. Rocky and Bullwinkle
    4. Pinky and the Brain


12. Which set of runes can be used to make a rune word?
    1. Ral Ort Tal
    2. Pul Muh Fin Gah
    3. Do Re Mi
    4. Gul Lo Bul


13. One of the mercenaries from Act 2 can use this to damage enemies:
    1. Subpoena
    2. Thorns aura
    3. Rap music
    4. Richard Simmons' shorts attached to a ten-foot pole


14. This is used to transmute items to make a better item:
    1. Horadric Cube
    2. Rubik's Cube
    3. Bong
    4. Arthur Anderson accountant


15. The unique Scarab Demon found in Act 2 is known as:
    1. Beetlebreath
    2. Beetlejuice
    3. Beetleburst
    4. Beetlemania


16. A Demon with the ability to whip its minions into a suicidal frenzy is:
    1. An Overseer
    2. Osama Bin Laden
    3. A Postal Supervisor
    4. Britney Spears


17. A set item that can be found in Diablo II is:
    1. Aldur's Stony Gaze
    2. Tancred's Spleen
    3. Natalya's Diaphragm
    4. Infernal Jock Strap


18. A unique item that can be found in Diablo II is:
    1. Darth Maul
    2. The Diggler Dirk
    3. The Beaver Cleaver
    4. Windpass


19. When Diablo II players use the acronym MF, they are talking about:
    1. More Food
    2. Magic Find
    3. Mana Freak
    4. Get that thought out of your head right now! Shame on you!


20. A proper response to a newbie who keeps following you around asking, "Got anything for a Pally?" is:
    1. "I don't give a cracked sash!"
    2. "Don't make me hostile your heiny!"
    3. "Pally wanna cracker?"
    4. Show him why your "Silence" weapon is called that.

Scoring: 1 point for every correct answer.
Answers: (1) D (2) C (3) A (4) B (5) A (6) A (7) D (8) A (9) C (10) B (11) A (12) A (13) B (14) A (15) C (16) A (17) A (18) B (19) B, -5 points if you answered D (20) Give yourself a point for any answer

21+: You are a moron who thinks high scores are more important than anything else.
20: Perfect! You know you play this game way too much.
19: You missed one! Go buy the strategy guide and read it from cover to cover.
15-18: You probably qualify as an expert in something, although I don't know what.
14: That magic find question really killed you. Go to church.
8-13: You maxed mediocrity mastery on your skill tree, didn't you?
6-7: What's the climate like in your world?
5: You strongly believe that picking answers at random pays off.
0-4: Step away from the computer right now!
Below 0: Try paying attention in math class this time.

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