Discovery of fabled Horazon’s Urinal stuns philosophers, scholars

After a long search that took up most of their lives, a group of explorers has finally located the legendary Horazon’s Urinal, which many philosophers and scholars believed never existed. Even though many called them fools, the group, calling themselves the Finders Of the Urinal’s Location (F.O.U.L, after dismissing the idea of calling themselves the Sanctuary Historical Information Team), set out some forty years ago on a quest to locate the finest place ever built to answer the call of nature. Their determination to find it never wavered, even in the worst of times, like when their supplies of hand lotion and those little towelettes ran low, and also when several members of the party developed near fatal cases of chafing.

"I’m glad we found it when we did," said Goldie Rivers, a member of the expedition, "because by then I really had to go. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that last piece of desert maggot. That stuff acts like a laxative. But then there was this yellow sign at the entrance that said to please wait because the urinal was being cleaned. We must have waited an hour before we realized that nobody was in there. I was in agony. That was before I slipped in the entry way and fell into a large golden puddle. Gross."

"We spent all this time wandering through the entire desert," said Hugh Stool, another expedition member, "only to discover that it was very close to Lut Gholein and the Palace. Then I pointed out that the entrance to the Arcane Sanctuary was underneath the palace and that if you were going to have a urinal, you would want to have it close by. Then they told me that my suggestion would have been good forty years ago when we started the expedition. Things got kind of ugly after that."

"I still don’t believe it," said one scholar. "If you’ve got the Arcane Sanctuary, why do you need a bathroom? You just go off to the side anywhere. And you never have to clean anything. This really pisses me off. It’s got to be a hoax."

"I’ve always believed in its existence," said Lysander, a merchant from Lut Gholein, "but I was beginning to think it would never be found. Words can’t describe how happy I am."

The leader of the expedition, Sir Hans Flushing, delivered the preliminary report of the discovery.

"The entry way into the urinal is small and narrow, but once you get into the main chamber, there’s a row of stalls as far as the eye can see. But only one roll of toilet paper found. Apparently Horazon had no women in his life. Whether Horazon dried his hands using paper or had the hot desert air piped in may never be known because the dispenser had been ripped from the wall some time ago. We don’t know what kind of soap he used for the same reason. A large and very ornate sign hangs above the exit with words in some ancient language that I cannot read. Our linguist is still not completely sure but he thinks it reads ‘Employees must wash hands before returning to work.’ Incredible. "

It appears that others have also recently discovered the urinal. Written on one of the stalls are the words, "For a good time, see Atma at Lut Gholein tavern." In another stall, one could read the words, "Here I stand all brokenhearted, paid me coin and only farted. "

"Bathroom humor hasn’t changed much through the ages," said Lysander.

PDF Inquirer victim of hackers

Hackers broke into the PDF Inquirer website last week, deleting various files, doctoring others, inserting pornography into the system, reading provocative employee e-mails, running Windows update, properly configuring the firewall, and possibly altering the latest issue of the PDF Inquirer. We say possibly because Inquirer staff members haven’t finished investigating the pornography yet to know for certain. But this gives us a chance to show our readers a rare glimpse into the production of the Inquirer. According to the minutes of a staff meeting called on how to handle the crisis:

"Frankie nominated Luigi to read through the latest issue of the Inquirer in order to see if the hackers made any changes."

"Luigi said he wouldn’t do it because he wasn’t an editor and he was only responsible for the pronouns in this month’s issue."

"Frankie disagreed and said Luigi was also responsible for making sure that verbs were inserted into this month’s issue as well and did not want a repeat of the fiasco of Issue #17. He also suggested that we have an editor do it. "

"Vinnie reminded Frankie that the only editor that hadn’t been fired was on vacation this month. He also said we shouldn’t bother reading through the issue because our last market survey said that most of our readers fall asleep by the end of the second article. And it was more than likely that anything the hackers did would improve the quality of the publication."

"Frankie expressed concern over keeping the boss from finding out. Luigi replied that was even easier, as he only reads a couple of sentences before giving his stamp of approval and resuming making passes at the receptionists. Just don’t make this the lead story."

"Vinnie remarked how Sondan’s moderating made him crazy. Luigi agreed and asked if anyone had gotten a ‘Tetanus shot’ lately. Vinnie then inquired as to when we started taking minutes at staff meetings and that could the last comments be removed from the minutes. Frankie replied that the minute taking had begun as of this meeting, and that he would remove Vinnie’s and Luigi’s last comments from the minutes. Meeting adjourned due to everyone getting a page and claiming they needed to take care of something."

The Inquirer staff requests that anyone knowing who was responsible for this incident, please send the culprits to our office for a job interview.

Weather Sorcs hit the top of the pop charts

The latest single from the Weather Sorcs has a bright forecast. With a message and a beat that will have every hero in Sanctuary dancing, the meteoric rise of "It’s Raining Runes" has generated a blizzard of praise. Check out the lyrics right here.

[WARNING: IMPLICIT LYRICS]

Difficulty’s rising
The odds are getting low
According to all sages
The Cow’s the place to go

Cause today for the first time
At just about half past noon (half past noon)
For the first time in history
It’s gonna start raining runes

[MOO-MOO CHORUS]
It’s raining runes
Hallelujah it’s raining runes, you goons
It’s raining runes
Hallelujah it’s raining runes, you goons

[REPEAT]

It’s raining runes
Hallelujah it’s raining runes, you goons
I’m gonna go in
I’m gonna let this barb hold
Twenty-five trucks worth of Zod

It’s raining runes
Hallelujah it’s raining runes
Every one you loons!
Zod, Cham, Vex and Lem
High and low and lots of ‘em

[ALL TOGETHER NOW]

God bless Papa Cow-King
He’s a single "player" too
He took on a cow farm
And he did lotsa moo-n’-moo
He taught every hacker
To rearrange the odds
So that each and every player-flop
Could find their perfect drop

It’s raining runes
Go get yourself a ‘Nigma dude
I know you want to ;)

I feel rune-y weather moving in
About to begin
Hear the portal
Don’t you lose your aim
Open the cube and stay in game!

It’s raining runes, Hallelujah
It’s raining runes, you goons
It’s raining runes, Hallelujah
It’s raining runes, you goons

[REPEAT]

[RINSE AND REPEAT]

[THROW UP IF NECESSARY]

Contributed by Rastaban. [Editor’s note: Please send all threatening e-mails and PMs to him, as due to a huge backlog, we haven’t even started reading the ones for the last issue.]

No tax cut in Hell again

Proposed legislation that would have cut taxes and simplified filing procedures for residents of Hell was once again rejected by Diablo. While most Sanctuary residents file returns once a year, residents of Hell must file every week. The Infernal Revenue Service (IRS) is constantly processing tax returns, making sure that its employees, as well as the taxpayers, never get a break. Every resident of Hell, no matter how much or little income acquired, must file Form 666, which also happens to be the number of pages in the form, except for those who have successfully petitioned to file Form 666EZ, which usually requires much sacrifice on their part. Only then do they learn that Form 666EZ contains twice as many pages as Form 666. Regardless of the form used, tax rates range from 95 to 99.9 percent. Many workers would prefer to give the IRS everything they make just to avoid having to fill out the forms. But the IRS insists that everyone get their refund, no matter how small it is. Then they will send out auditors "just for the hell of it."

"A long time ago before the IRS, we once used only physical torment and punishment," said an IRS employee. "Then we discovered that through the use of paperwork, mental anguish was an even more efficient way of keeping Hell powered for eternity. We also like to get their hopes up with the tax reform proposals. Today, everyone realizes that it just wouldn’t be Hell without the IRS."

Kill Baal: Vol. 5 production wraps up

Production on the most ambitious Hollywood project ever undertaken is finally concluding, and the Inquirer is once again your source of exclusive information on the upcoming movie Kill Baal: Vol. 5. Filmed concurrently with the first four installments, it is the story about an assassin attacked on her wedding day and left for dead by Baal and his minions. Waking up from a coma years later, she vows revenge. The fifth movie of this epic series takes place in the land of the Barbarians. This project has been frequently delayed, sometimes by cast members holding out for new contracts and begging for a sixth installment because they realize that their careers are over with once it ends. Other cast members have wanted it to end immediately regardless of the consequences. The Inquirer reveals more casting decisions and choice dialogue.

Kill List
• Andariel
• Duriel
• Mephisto
• Diablo
• Baal

• Janet Jackson as the Assassin: "Looked dead, didn't I? But I wasn't. But it wasn't from lack of trying, I can tell you that. Actually, Baal's last shot put me in a coma, a coma I was to lie in for four years. When I woke up, I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a 'roaring rampage of revenge.' I roared. And I rampaged. And I got bloody satisfaction. I've killed a hell of a lot of monsters to get to this point, but I have only one more, the last one. The one I'm journeying to right now. The only one left. And when I arrive at my destination, I am gonna kill Baal."



• Mel Gibson as Larzuk: "More sockets? Everyone wants more sockets. Last week one of Baal’s minions asked me for more sockets. I gave him ten. Not on his equipment, but on his body. They can take away our lives, but they can never take away our freedom!"



• Nathan Lane as the Paladin: "Uh, I think I’ll just go over there and get my shield personalized by Anya instead."



• Jessica Simpson as Anya: "So this one time…at Barb camp, I—"



• Angelina Jolie as the Amazon: "Whoa, Nihthalak must have frozen your brain too. Oh Sorceress, I’ve finally found somebody that you can have a conversation with."



• Alan Rickman as Nihthalak: "I see you’ve brought quite an entourage. Excellent! I’m going to enjoy seeing every one of your skeletons fall. And then I’ll explode them one by one. Then I’ll get you, my pretty! And your little golem too!"



• Christopher Walken as the Necromancer: "Ahhhh! He scares the death out of me!"



• Paris Hilton as the Sorceress: "Siege beasts and blood lords and gloams, oh my! Siege beasts and blood lords and gloams, oh my!"



• John Goodman as the Barbarian: "I can’t believe you let yourself get zapped like that! Didn’t you see the big sign at the entrance that said no loitering in the Worldstone Keep?"



• Billy Crystal as the Druid: "I guess I was too busy noticing that huge beast they wouldn’t let in because he wasn’t on the guest monster list. Boy was he pissed. So what do we do now, follow the yellow brick road? With all the blood spilled here, we’re gonna have to settle for following the red brick road."



• Hugo Weaving as Baal: "Well done, Ms. Assassin, an excellent demonstration of the two-clawed exploding heart technique. Too bad you did it on my clone. You didn’t think it was going to be that easy, did you? The best thing about being me is that there are other ‘me’s. I killed you, Ms. Assassin. I watched you die... with a certain satisfaction, I might add. After all, you betrayed me. All to marry a musician? In fact a musician rejected in the first round of ‘Sanctuary Idol?’ By all the snickering that I hear in the background, you haven’t told your companions this. I wouldn’t have told them either. But one thing I’ve never told you: this is the tenth version of Sanctuary. We’ve already destroyed it nine times. You hear that Ms. Assassin? That is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound of your death. Goodbye, Ms. Assassin."
  
  Assassin: "My name is Janet! Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty!"



• Dustin Hoffman as Tyrael: "Well done! Now as far as your rewards go, there were successes and failures. Necro, you have a new heart. Try not to get this one ripped out. Stick to fighting monsters, not falling in love. Amazon, a new eye, hopefully for better fashion sense. Druid, a brain, all thanks to Khalim. Barbarian, courage, although sometimes I’m not sure if you need courage and the Druid needs the brain or vice versa. As for the Sorceress, you also requested a brain and Paladin, you requested heterosexuality. I tried as best as I could but your bodies rejected the transplants. But cheer up. With looks like that, Sorceress, you don’t need a brain. It would only scare guys off when you used it. And Paladin, I like you just the way you are. And last but not least, Assassin, you just wanted to go home. You’ve always been able to go home. Just click your claws together three times and say, ‘There’s no place like home.’ And take the blue pill this time."

Look for Kill Baal cereal and action figures in your local grocer now. And buy your Kill Baal happy meals at your local fast food restaurant.

Why are you still reading this?

Don’t you know that life is passing you by? Ask your momma for some more RAM and go play World of Warcraft. Diablo II is dead. They’re never gonna come out with the third one. The Inquirer is not funny. You will not laugh anymore. Your fly is open. Made you look. Hi, Mom. I made it on the Internet, just like I promised. I’m king of the World! Uh-oh! My big brother is coming. If he finds me using his computer, I’m dead. Gotta go.

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