ATMA: It came from outer space
In what may be the greatest scoop ever, the Inquirer has uncovered the truth about the origin of the Diablo II single player muling program ATMA. It is widely believed that ATMA was created by PDF member Dr. Hakai No Tenshi. But according to a close acquaintance of Dr. Tenshi, ATMA was developed and given to him by aliens from another planet. Many Inquirer staff members sat down with Dr. Tenshi’s acquaintance to hear his amazing story. And it is truly amazing because for the first time ever, most of the staff members hadn’t fallen asleep by the end of it. Our source begins with the story of how the aliens made first contact.
“They originally landed in Washington D.C., where they said ‘Take us to your leader.’ After they were brought to meet the President, they explained, ‘We are aliens from a distant planet. We have journeyed far to bring you the greatest gift our civilization has to offer.’ Then the President said, ‘Y’all wouldn’t happen to be illegal aliens would you? We are working on a guest worker program but we’re not finished with it yet. Until then you’ll have to be deported to Mexico. But since I’m feeling real generous today, I can arrange to have y’all deported to New Mexico. Things are newer there. At least that’s what I figure.’”
“So they ended up in Albuquerque. It was not long before they found their way right to the Doc’s doorstep. At first they pretended to be French, and asked if we had any French toast. But after noticing Diablo II loaded on Doc’s computer, they changed their tune. Then they told us a fantastic tale.”
“Shortly after their race developed Diablo II, a great and much-revered member of their kind developed ETMA, which stood for Extra-Terrestrial Muling Application, so that single players of their race could enjoy the benefits of transferring items between characters that the Collective of online players had. At first the ruling council of the Collective, whose name has many frequencies inaudible to us but roughly translated means ‘Frozen Wind’, accepted ETMA. But over time they placed more and more restrictions on what ETMA could do and who could use it. Finally they banned ETMA completely and issued a decree that all single players must become one with the Collective. Then they unleashed vast numbers of robots they had constructed to kill any that refused to join the Collective.”
“At this time their society was already dealing with major problems. Great storms and earthquakes had devastated several major cities. There were civil wars, widespread famine, and plagues. Even their television networks were being deluged with reality programming. They continued to endure all of that. But after the banning of ETMA, it was decided that their group of remaining single players would leave their world and seek out new one where they could play Diablo II the way they wanted to play it. So now they are leading a rag-tag fleet across the galaxy, giving ETMA to any civilization that has developed Diablo II, while being pursued relentlessly by the Collective’s robots. The odds for their survival are not good but they said they will fight to the end. But it’s what they said after that that really raised the hair on the back of my neck.”
“With much difficulty, they had managed to adapt ETMA to run on our computers. They said that if they hadn’t known any better, they’d have sworn that the Windows operating system on the Doc’s computer was developed by the Collective as one of their torture devices. Then they gave us this final warning. They said that it is inevitable once ETMA is introduced that the same fate will befall our society as did theirs. Single players will be persecuted. There will be a great inquisition to get them to convert to online play. And that may our race have better luck overcoming this terrible conflict.”
“And just like that they were gone. Figuring the aliens would never return, Doctor Tenshi changed the name of the program to ATMA and called it his own. Now everyone thinks he’s this great developer but it’s not true. In fact I’m not really sure he’s a doctor either. I’ve never seen him heal anybody. And for the record, I don’t use ATMA. I play online because I don’t want no trouble.”
So far all attempts by the Inquirer to contact Dr. Tenshi have failed. Just how much damage to his reputation this revelation will cause remains to be seen. However we at the Inquirer do believe that he is a real doctor because each time we have attempted to reach him by phone, we were told that he was out on the golf course.
Blizzard possibly thinking about making Diablo III
In what could be yet another big scoop for the Inquirer, sources have told us that high-level employees of Blizzard Entertainment are seriously thinking about making Diablo III.
According to one source, a coffee supplier who hid in the executive bathroom, Blizzard executives had a discussion about possibly making Diablo III.
“So this one guy was saying,” he said, “that we ought to seriously consider making Diablo III. Then the other guy says that he’s been thinking about it too and that since we’ve already made Diablo II and that we probably shouldn’t make Diablo IV yet, it seems only logical that Diablo III is the way to go. Then the first guy says that you’re on to something but maybe we should give it more thought. Then the other guy says he’ll think about it. Then the first guy says he’ll put some thought into it too. So I think that it’s only a matter of time until they make Diablo III.”
Inquirer reporters confronted a Blizzard executive and his assistant to get the bottom of this story and the following conversation took place:
Inquirer: “Are you guys thinking about making Diablo III? And why was there no mention of this at E3?
Blizzard VIP: “No mention of D3 at E3? How could this be?
Assistant: “Well one of our PR guys, on his way to E3, drove his car into a tree.”
Blizzard VIP: “What about our other PR guy? Where was he?”
Assistant: “His apartment was struck by a tornado of category F3.”
Inquirer: “So let me see. There was no mention of D3 at E3 because of an F3 calamity and someone driving recklessly?”
Blizzard VIP: “Don’t blame me.”
Inquirer: “So D3 is still a possibility?”
Blizzard VIP: “Maybe. We’ll just have to wait and see. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pee.”
That was about the time the other reporters lost their sanity. Who knew it could be so hard to get a guarantee? But this reporter was overcome with apathy. It’s about time I sign off so hasta la vista, baby!
“A Day Without a Necromancer” protests largely ignored
A protest organized by several Necromancer clans was carried out last Saturday. “A Day Without a Necromancer” was designed to call attention to the value of Necromancers in the land of Sanctuary. During Saturday’s protest, all Necros refused to aid in the killing of monsters. Many Necros have been treated poorly because they are looked upon as freaks who cannot be trusted. Some Necros claim to have endured insults, other characters not protecting them, or even letting them die.
“They call us weaklings, corpse lovers, and boneheads. Well let them find another way to cast amplify damage for their melee characters and lower resist for there spell casters,” said an unidentified Necro clan member. “See how much harder it is to kill large groups of monsters with no one to explode corpses around them. Just because we play with the dead doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be treated with respect and dignity.”
The results of the protest were at best mixed. “We not like Necros. They play with the dead,” said Frag, a Barbarian. “Better they not be around. No more talk. Must go hork my kills before others do.”
“A day without any complaints about using my redemption aura,” said an unidentified Paladin. “How enjoyable. Perhaps we can try for a week next time. Then maybe a month or a year.”
“My men once tried the ‘Day Without a Mercenary’ protest,” said Griez, a mercenary captain in Lut Gholein. “Then I introduced them to a day without a paycheck. I haven’t had a problem with them since. The thing with Necros is when one of them brings a large entourage of undead into a battle, everything seems to go in slow motion. I’ve no idea why.”
The community of Druids doesn’t seem to care. Amazon and Assassin guilds refused to comment. The Sorceress guild, however, reported a sharp decrease in the number of its members being hit on by pale, creepy guys.
Inquirer Special Feature: Interviews with Diablo II Players
For the first time, the Inquirer presents interviews with ordinary Diablo II players to keep everyone up on what players like and how they feel about the present state of the game. First up is Norm from Chicago.
Inquirer: “Hello, Norm. What’s your favorite character build?”
Norm: “Da bears.”
Inquirer: “How about your favorite summoned minion?”
Norm: “Da bears.”
Inquirer: “Well what’s your favorite rune?”
Norm: “Da Bers.”
Inquirer: “All right then. What’s your favorite football team?”
Norm: “I don’t like football. I prefer to read classical literature in my spare time.”
Inquirer: “That’s it! This has got to be the worst idea ever! I don’t care if it came from the boss. Let’s just kill the whole thing and pretend it never happened. Or at least get someone who’s opinionated, not one of his buddies.”
Story by former staff member Mike.
[Editor’s note: I would have been happy to scrap this stinker of a story. But no one bothered to submit a replacement. Besides I didn’t care much for Mike anyway.]
Hell is alive with the sound of music
The Inquirer presents an exclusive first look at the controversial biography of Demonna. Whether you love her or hate her, this book is sure to a best seller. The following are excerpts from the book Demonna: the Greatest Half-demon Pop-singer Assassin Sanctuary Has Ever Known.
Part 1: The Early Years
Maria had never known anything about her mother. She had left her father not long after Maria was born. And her father never said much about her before he left to fight in one of the Great Wars. Being raised in a convent, she had started her youth being kind and spiritual. The nuns there discovered that she had singing and songwriting talent. She wrote her first song to teach some younger children about how to remember the uses of popular runes:
Dol, they flee, the monsters flee
Ral, a drop of burning fire
Mal, preventing monster heal
Fal, some extra strength divine
Sol, to min damage you add nine
Lo, a rune you’ll never find
Tir, plus mana when they die
That will bring us back to Dol
Dol Ral Mal Fal Sol Lo Tir Dol!
But shortly afterward, several nuns in the convent noticed a dramatic change in Maria’s personality. It had taken a dark turn. She was becoming more isolated and cruel. One fateful day, Mother Superior had a heart attack and died after discovering and reading the lyrics to her latest song:
Razor-sharp knives and guts on the ground
Loud cries of pain from enemies tightly bound
Scaly green demons with blood-colored wings
These are a few of my favorite things
How tight black leather feels on my skin
Killing a betrayer and his next of kin
Torture devices like constricting rings
These are a few of my favorite things
When I’m poisoned
When my bones snap
When I’m screaming mad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
Investigations of several incidents involving vandalism and the disappearances of local townsfolk painted Maria as the prime suspect. It was also about this time that they had learned that her mother was a demon who had altered her appearance to hide the truth from everyone, including her husband. Maria’s father had been heard to say that he suspected that something was different about his wife. But he thought that she was just out preparing for church events all those nights. It was clear why other villagers described him as “not being the sharpest tool in the shed.”
The townsfolk had decided the answer to how do you solve a problem like Maria: with a sword. But Maria had already fled to the Barbarian highlands. It was there that she made her first contact with the Assassin’s Guild, started calling herself Demonna, and met the first love of her life, a singer named Barby Rogers, also known as The Gambler.
Be sure to read the next issue of the Inquirer for the second part of Demonna’s biography.
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