Although there has been no formal announcement by Blizzard, two new runewords are going to be enabled. The Inquirer sent its best reporter, who also happens to be the only one left after the last round of firings, to get the scoop on them. This is his story:

It all started innocently enough. The boss told me to find out everything I could about two new runewords and spill the beans on them. Piece of cake. But little did I know what I was in for.

After much effort, I finally got an interview with one of Blizzard’s secret beta testers. His group plays on separate servers, has separate discussion and trading forums, and rumor has it they are isolated somewhere in the desert. We talked over the phone, and boy did he have a story to tell.

He said that in the past, his group tested all kinds of things. But since the two runewords been introduced, they’ve done almost nothing but play with them every day.

“Well what are the names of these two runewords,” I said, “how do you make them, and what are their properties?”

“The runewords are called ‘Sex’ and ‘Truth’, he replied. “And other than that I can’t tell you much else, in part because I’m sworn to secrecy, and also because I just don’t know. What I can tell you is they’re awesome!”

“Oh, please,” I begged. “What’s so great about ‘Sex’?”

He responded in a way that made me feel like some preteen schoolboy.

“You have no idea. But soon you will if you’re lucky.”

“Look I went to a lot of trouble to get this interview,” I replied. “Is this really all you can tell me?”

There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment. Then there were various noises, which sounded like he was moving somewhere else. Then he finally spoke with a lowered voice.

A couple of months ago we were doing our regular testing on the servers. It was rather boring. Nothing new in a while. Then word came down that there was a new runeword to be tested. It was called ‘Love’. Suddenly there was a new level of excitement on the discussion forums. Finally there was a message from the developers telling us how to make ‘Love’. I made ‘Love’ in a kraken shell.

However none of the properties of the runeword showed up on the character screen. The developers told us that they did this on purpose, and that we would know all about ‘Love’ eventually. But for the time being, everyone was in the dark about ‘Love’. One member of the group was extremely frustrated because he couldn’t find anyone willing to give him ‘Love’. We told him that he was looking for ‘Love’ in all the wrong places. But the general consensus among our group was that ‘Love’ was good and easy to make.

But not long after that, the developers introduced two more runewords: ‘Sex’ and ‘Truth’. Like ‘Love’, ‘Sex’ was to be made in a body armor. But ‘Truth’ would be made in weapons. Unlike ‘Love’, the runes for ‘Sex’ and ‘Truth’ were harder to get. I remember spending a lot of time doing Countess runs and trading lots of good equipment to get the runes for ‘Sex’. Then I told all my friends on the forum that I had finally made it. It was a great moment for me.

Soon after, the developers logged in for a chat session about the new runewords. They first asked us how we felt about ‘Love’. Someone quickly blurted out, “Who needs ‘Love’? Let’s talk about ‘Sex’.”

They replied that ‘Love’ had several good properties, one of which was that it is indestructible. They told us that ‘Love’ is forever. But most of the group didn’t seem to care. One member said that he left his ‘Love’ on the ground when he exited out of the game and it disappeared. “Maybe ‘Love’ isn’t forever after all,” he joked. But he said he wasn’t going to lament about his lost ‘Love’.

As for others in our group, there was no ‘Love’ lost between them. They hadn’t bothered to make it in the first place. But ‘Sex’ was a different story. They just couldn’t stop talking about it. They wouldn’t even let ‘Truth’ get in the way of their discussions.

I guess all this ‘Sex’ talk must have annoyed the developers. First ‘Love’ was disabled for good. Then suddenly all the armors we had ‘Sex’ in turned ethereal. They also told us that ‘Sex’ didn’t have an auto-repair property, and its durability would eventually hit zero. It wasn’t meant to last. We all complained vigorously. But they implied that this was the penalty for forsaking ‘Love’ and ignoring ‘Truth’. It wasn’t long before everybody’s armor wore out. Then most of the messages on the forum were like “Looking for ‘Sex’”, “‘Sex’ anybody?”, and “I gotta have ‘Sex’.”

I got a message from one of my partners. He said that his ‘Sex’ life was almost down to nothing and he asked me what to do about it. I told him to look for ‘Sex’ elsewhere. He wasn’t very happy about that. Others were frantically discussing how to extend their ‘Sex’ lives by improving their defense ratings and equipping shields. One lectured me endlessly about the dangers of having unprotected ‘Sex’ until I just didn’t care anymore.

When my ‘Sex’ life came to an end, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt I had lost something special. How was I ever going to have ‘Sex’ again? I have nothing to offer. So I had to move on. When I began exploring what ‘Truth’ could do, I began to realize how crazy ‘Sex’ had made us all.

One day, I was negotiating a trade for some fairly common piece of equipment. I asked the guy what he wanted for it. He said that he wanted my ‘Sex’. I told him that I hadn’t had ‘Sex’ in over a month and, even if I did have it, what made him think that I would let him have it. What a jerk! All everyone thinks about around here is ‘Sex’.

After talking with the small minority of the group that made ‘Truth’, I discovered that ‘Truth’ makes a fine weapon. It seems that the developers gave ‘Truth’ huge AR and damage bonuses against players with ‘Sex’. So in duels, against those with ‘Truth’ on their side, players caught having ‘Sex’ were in for a world of hurt. Also, equipping both runewords at the same time invokes a number of negative properties. In short, when it comes to ‘Sex’, ‘Truth’ hurts. But it was ‘Truth’ that set me free from my obsession with ‘Sex’.

I finally went to a member of the group who, although I didn’t like him, I respected him very much. And he could give me ‘Truth’. He saw me enter the Trade Channel, and remarked, “What do we have here? Another silly kid looking for ‘Sex’.” Trying my best to maintain my last bit of composure, I replied, “I don’t want ‘Sex’. I want the ‘Truth!’” He shot back, “You can’t handle the ‘Truth!’” As it turns out, he was absolutely right. My character was many points short of the dexterity requirements.

And that’s where his story ended. I don’t know if he had any more to say because we were cut off at that moment. I immediately went home and took a cold shower. All further attempts to gain any more information about ‘Sex’ and ‘Truth’ or when they will be enabled for everyone failed. But after this story breaks, I’m sure that the entire Diablo 2 community will be looking forward to having ‘Sex’ and that other one too.

Tensions rise between Necromancers, Paladins

For the third week in a row, Necromancers have fired hundreds of bone spirits across the border into Kurast. The missiles have yet to actually hit anything significant, but residents in the area are starting to be concerned. This latest chapter in the ongoing hostilities between Necromancers and Paladins started when a group of Necros kidnapped the famous singer Pally Joel from his home in Upper Kurast and then demanded a prisoner exchange.

The Paladins told them that they didn’t want Pally Joel back and that they could have him. Things got ugly after that. The Necromancers started their bone spirit attacks, and shortly after that, Paladins responded with strategic fist of the heavens spells. They have also moved all dead bodies out of the areas near the border to avoid having them used against them.

This policy of evacuating the dead began during the first war of the modern age. Necromancers have long practiced the policy of either raising the dead of their enemies or exploding their corpses.

Then, on the eve of what was supposed to be the major battle to decide the outcome of the war, a Paladin named Shaw, sneaked into the cemetery where hundreds of Shenk the Overseer’s minions who had died were buried. The Necromancers were planning to revive them for the battle but Shaw, using his redemption aura, redeemed them all.

Lacking the necessary forces, the Necromancers had to retreat the next day and the war came to an abrupt end. This bold move by a lone Paladin was known by history as the Shaw-Shenk Redemption. It has always been a sore spot in Necromancer history.

Word has just come in that Pally Joel has made it back to Kurast safely. There are conflicting reports about how he made his way back. According to Joel, he daringly escaped his captors and made his way through hundreds of miles of enemy territory He will now perform his hit song Back in the Kurast Bazaar to celebrate.

The local Necromancer guild says that they got tired of his whining, or it might have possibly been singing, and set him loose at the border. Both sides have declared victory and a ceasefire has gone into effect. How long it will last is anybody’s guess. But it seems that the Necromancers have learned that if they want the necessary leverage for a prisoner exchange, they definitely need to kidnap somebody more important.

Demonna’s latest single climbing the charts

After being harshly criticized that she was losing her edge, Demonna’s latest single shows her attempting to prove otherwise. Can she hit the top again? Or is it too little too late? The Inquirer presents you with Smells Like Dream Spirit, a song about the rigors and futility of magic finding. At least that’s what we think. These days, we have a hard time figuring out what anybody is talking about in songs.

Smells Like Dream Spirit by Demonna
Based on Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

Load up on potions and magic find
I run until I lose my mind
Kill hordes of things and go berserk
Oh man that Baal is such a jerk

Please drop, please drop, please drop, but no
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, but no
Please drop, please drop, please drop, but no
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon

Well I’m killing...without stopping
But nothing...has been dropping
I might settle...for Rune Master
Or Bul Kathos’...little bastards
Crown of Ages
An Earth Shifter
A Death Cleaver
A Tomb Reaver
Yeah!

(Cow sounds)

It’s getting worse the more I play
I’m running out of things to slay
Don’t even know where else to start
Not even a thing from Isenhart

Please drop, please drop, please drop, but no
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, but no
Please drop, please drop, please drop, but no
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon

Now I’m running...through the Pit
Can’t find nothing...that’s worth %*it
Keep on searching...through the trash
Can I please find...a Stormlash?
A Steel Pillar
An Azurewrath
Spirit Keeper
A Redeemer
Yeah!

(Cow sounds)

And I forgot why I play this game
Oh yeah, I know my life is lame
Now what am I still trying to find
Oh well, whatever, never mind

Please drop, please drop, please drop, but no
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, but no
Please drop, please drop, please drop, but no
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon

Can’t get nothing...from Mephisto
Not surprising...but I’m pissed so
And Andariel...same thing damn her
Someone bring me...Schaefer’s Hammer
And a Windforce
Ondal’s Wisdom
A Lightsabre
Lacerator

Nat’s Suwayyah! Nat’s Suwayyah! Nat’s Suwayyah!
Nat’s Suwayyah! Nat’s Suwayyah! Nat’s Suwayyah!
Nat’s Suwayyah! Nat’s Suwayyah! Nat’s Suwayyah!

(Choking sounds, followed by a big thud)

Demonna: The Making of a Pop Singer Assassin

Part 2: Boney, Barby, and Bearie

As unlikely as it seems Demonna was introduced to the Guild of Assassins in the Barbarian highlands. As it turns out, it was a good place for the guild to operate because most of the Barbarians thought they were flower girls. And she got her first professional singing job as a backup singer for the famous Necro Boney Orlando. She became part of the group Boney Orlando and Spawn. Soon after the group had its first big hit:

Tie an undead minion round the old oak tree
If he lives three days then he can join me
Cause I can’t stand those minions that die so easily
So tie an undead minion round the old oak tree

Their next hit, Amplify, showed that Demonna and Boney shared the same love of morbid lyrics:

Hey ghoul what ya doing out there
Moving away from the minions that I am controlling
I can see the way you’re thriving
You’re never gonna need reviving
But flayers are flaying and monsters are slaying I need you
Now I’m casting

Amplify on the demons if they taunt me
Decrepify if I need them to slow
Taunt me twice and they’ll scream in terror all day
Another time...and their corpses will blow

But one day, Demonna thought about the lyrics to Amplify and, being half demon herself, took exception to them. She then put her assassin skills to work. There has been much talk of a Boney Orlando revival. But the Necromancers Guild has never been able to find enough of his corpse to make that happen. But being that they were embarrassed by Boney Orlando’s music, the matter was quickly covered up.

But it also seemed unlikely that Demonna would last here very long. Her rebellious nature continually clashed with the senior members of the Assassins Guild. Despite many warnings not to do so, she often ran with scissors suwayyah and, instead of attending classes, she often sent her shadow master instead. And her ability to inject venom was more vocal than physical.

Despite these ongoing conflicts she was able write the songs that would make her a star, such as Helladay, Lucky Scar, “Mess You Up, and Like a Demon. She became known as the Material Girl to some because of a song she performed, and to others because of how much material she could rip off with her claws. Her life was a paradox, with one career built on fame, another relying on stealth.

The only thing that calmed her down and saved her from being expelled from the Assassin’s Guild was her meeting a Barbarian with a checkered past of his own. Barby Rogers was lousy at most traditional Barbarian war cries. But like Demonna, he had the talent for song writing and singing. One of his first experiences at it was, when he saw a young member of his clan who found a Lum rune and was going to go back to town to sell it, he said, “Oh newbie, don’t take your Lum to town.”

Shortly afterward, he made it into a song. It was singing about his experiences gambling that made Rogers a star. Although he said he knew when to buy them, knew when to sell them, knew when to walk away, and he knew when to run, many of those he gambled with said that he was not very good and that his gambling was a problem that turned into an addiction. But The Gambler became his signature song. Some of his other hits were inspired by Demonna, such as Bladey and Don’t Fall in Love with a Demon.

But Demonna’s relationship with the Gambler came to an end shortly after Bearie Manilow showed up in Harrogoth. Manilow, a Druid who liked to spend most of his time as a werebear, was most of the time a happy-go-lucky soul and was quickly smitten with Demonna. But he had a ferocious temper, which became evident when he tried to eat Barby Rogers. But Rogers escaped, and Bearie was ordered to undergo hunger management counseling. But despite his troubles, Bearie and Demonna became an item. Inspired by her, he would go on to write some of his best hits, such as Can’t Fight Without You, I Kill the Beasts (That make the whole world scream), and“Looks Like We Slayed It.

But this relationship wouldn’t last either. Because of Bearie’s hot temper, troubles in her relationship with the Assassin’s Guild, and growing criticism that her music was losing its edge, Demonna hit rock bottom. After dealing so long with wild men in her life whose names began with B, when approached by the lead singer of U Goo, who everyone knew as Bone-O, she fled into Hell itself and became a lounge singer, performing for trapped souls. It was difficult to say who was enduring more torture at the time, Demonna or the souls she was performing for. Can things get any worse? Will she ever make it out of there and back to the top of the charts? Only time will tell.

Tale of Atma now released in song

When the Lut Gholein Council of Elders last met, much discussion was spent on who would be the best bard to present the tragic tale of Atma. The chosen artist not only must be talented, but also subtle enough to convey this solemn story with deep emotion. Who could that performer be? Since the council was a typical committee, who else would they choose but Bearie Manilow. Here are the lyrics to his latest single brought to you as only the Inquirer can.

Lut Gholein Tavern by Bearie Manilow
Based on Copacabana by Barry Manilow

Her name was Atma
She was a barkeep
Who was always kind and fair, despite the drunks who didn’t care
She had a husband
And her son Lucky
But when she needed them around, they were nowhere to be found
And then she heard the snore
Of Geglash on the floor
Windows broke and she had no money
Life was such a chore

At the tavern, Lut Gholein Tavern
The hottest spot on the whole planet
At the tavern, Lut Gholein Tavern
Boozin’ and bashin’ were always in fashion
At the tavern...
She lost them both.

There was a monster
Lived in the sewers
Killed his victims over there, wasn’t no one he would spare
He raised some zombies
And skellie mages
After Atma’s men had died, and a month passed while she cried
She began to lament
Who would kill Radament?
Then suddenly a hero appeared
As if Heaven sent

At the tavern, Lut Gholein Tavern
The hottest spot on the whole planet
At the tavern, Lut Gholein Tavern
Boozin’ and bashin’ were always in fashion
At the tavern...
He fought the beast

Our blessed hero
Went in the sewer
And he made the beast his kill, and he took the Book of Skill
And she was grateful
Gave him a discount
And she gave him such a look, one that couldn’t be mistook
But much to her dismay
Discovered he was gay
Why does everything about life
Always end this way?

At the tavern, Lut Gholein Tavern
The hottest spot on the whole planet
At the tavern, Lut Gholein Tavern
Boozin’ and bashin’ were always in fashion
At the tavern...
Don’t fall in love.

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