Blizzard announces Patch 1.12

After the success of getting the previous patch to work, Blizzard Entertainment is already moving ahead with a new patch. Patch 1.12 will pick up where Patch 1.11 left off and promises something for everyone. A Blizzard VIP told us that, "We want to make it clear that we haven't abandoned—what's the name of that game again? Oh yes, we want to make it clear that we haven't abandoned Diablo. And I believe that already Diablo II is already in the early stages of development. Anyway, this patch should make both realm players and single players happy."

Changes in the new patch for Battle.net players include:

Three new monsters to battle:

• Corpsefire's furious cousin
• Bishibosh's even more evil twin
• Rakcloneishu

Three new keys to collect and cube to reach the new monsters:

• The Key of Discontent
• The Key of Apathy
• The Key of C

The runewords Domination, Victory, Slaughter, Apocalypse, Grandeur, Incredible Look for a message that reads like:

"1453842326 DwarfStars sold to merchants. Mini-Diablo runs the Earth"

You will have to find and catch Mini-Diablo. He will then drop a figurine of Gheed, which you can trade to Gheed for a Gheed's Fortune charm. Beware! Meshif will steal it from you if he gets the chance.

Fixes to most of the things screwed up in the last patch

The runewords Envy, Inability, Inadequacy, Mediocrity, Nausea

Collecting and cubing the keys gains the ability to view a 60-minute infomercial on why you should be on Battlenet

Expect a ladder reset a few days after everyone has had a chance to create new characters to play the new patch.

[Editor's note: The Inquirer has heard rumors of a Patch 1.11b being released but we won't be fooled by them again and we urge our readers not to be fooled either. Stick with us.]

Wind Druid convention a disaster for Lut Gholein

The city of Lut Gholein is recovering from last weekend's Wind Druid convention, which spawned a record number of tornados and hurricanes. What was once thought of as a good way to bring new tourism and revenue to Lut Gholein, is now considered "Jehryn's worst idea ever."

"I had no idea that the warm coastal waters around the city would strengthen their hurricanes so much," said Jehryn. "And as for the slow response time in rescuing trapped victims of the storms, that's Griez's fault. My men had their hands full helping the harem girls in the palace."

"Jehryn gets these stupid ideas in his head," said Elzix, a city merchant. "He's still planning to go ahead with Rabies Druid convention next week, as well as scheduling Werebear shockwave practice right next to an important and delicate archaeological dig. And he's waiting for Sanctuary officials to declare the city a disaster area. I told him that they already did it a century ago and it doesn't mean anything at all. But he doesn't get it. I did enjoy watching him run screaming through the streets while two tornados were bearing down on him. He did manage to find shelter. He thought he was alone until a disembodied voice yelled at him, saying he was ugly and that his mother dresses him funny. It turned out to be one of the Druid's spirit of barbs. It freaked him out more than the storms. I couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the day."

Many heroes are angry because due to the storms, the price to hire desert mercs has gone through the roof. And the sewers are currently impassible, making it impossible to kill Radament and get the Book of Skill. And the Sanctuary Coast Hurricane Emergency Management Association or SCHEMA for short, has failed to respond in a timely manner. But despite a generous offer from Kurast to relocate the displaced refugees to their jungles and swamps, all of them declined to leave. Still when all the waters finally recede, workers expect to be able to rebuild the city to the condition it was before in "about a couple of hours."

Blizzard closes record number of accounts

In response to the growing number of cheats and hacks being used on the realms, Blizzard has closed a record number of accounts and banned a record number of CD keys from the Realms. "I'm not sure of the exact number," said a Blizzard spokesperson, "but I think it was close to a billion accounts that were closed. Let that be a lesson to you, you little heathens! And I'd like to thank all our legit players, Edgar, Parker, Malcolm, Melvin, and little Jimmy, for staying legit. You're an inspiration to us all."

In response to the closure the Battle.net forums have been filled with spirited debate. "There's been more whining than at a Terrell Owens press conference, said one forum member. "There have been so many posts lately that for the first time in ages, somebody's question about what does the chat gem do got pushed back to the second page."

The Inquirer has interviewed two players on opposite sides of the debate involving using map-revealing programs, the primary reason for the account closings and bans.

Point: Diablo II player Harold of Zakarum writes: "Maphack is a hack. It gives players who have it an unfair advantage. Everyone even calls it Maphack. If it wasn't a hack, why would you call it Maphack? And once players use Maphack, they eventually move on to duping items. Then they will be writing viruses that attack computers worldwide. I've heard that Maphack causes cancer in laboratory animals."

Counterpoint: Diablo II player AllisLost writes: "You suck! Your mother sucks! Your father sucks! Your brother sucks! Your sister sucks! Blizzard sucks! Maphack is not a hack! Give me my account back!"

Keep reading the Inquirer for more coverage of this intellectually stimulating debate.

Flayers hit the top of the pops

The latest release of the Flayer Tabernacle Choir has made it to the top. It's guaranteed to keep your toes tapping for the rest of the day. Be sure to check it out.

Diablo Went Down to Harrogath
By the Flayer Tabernacle Choir
(Based on The Devil Went Down to Georgia by the Charlie Daniels Band)

Diablo went down to Harrogath
He was looking for a soul to steal
He was in a groove
Now if he found a noob
He could easily close the deal

When he came upon a Barb in a duel
And the Barb won with a single shot
And Diablo jumped on some skulls and rocks and said,
"Barb, let me tell you what:

I'll bet you didn't know it
But I'm a PKer too,
And if you care to take a dare
I'll make a bet with you.
Now you duel pretty good young Barb
But give Diablo his due
I'll bet a sword of gold against your soul
That says I can PK you."

The Barb said, "My name's Leet Haxxor,
And you may think me a clown,
But I'll take your bet, your gonna regret
‘Cause you're the one that's going down."

Leet rise up your sword and concentrate real hard
‘Cause Hell's unleashed in Harrogoth
And Diablo deals the cards
And if you win you get this shiny sword made of gold
But if you lose Diablo gets your soul.

Diablo raised his hands and said,
"I'll start this duel."
And fire torched the ground
As if it was made of fuel.
Then a band of lightning shot from his fingertips
That followed Leet around.
Then he took an icy punch
That knocked Leet to the ground.

When Diablo finished his attack, Leet said,
"You're pretty good, demon."
But despite your all, you're gonna fall
Let me show you how it's done.

Berserk on the mountain, run boys run
Diablo's in the house of the ‘Ith' item
Flayers at the dead man, picking out bones
Wishing it could be the Diablo clone

(Fiddle music)

Diablo lost his ear
And he knew that he'd been beat
And he dropped that golden sword
Right at Leet Haxxor's feet

And Leet said, "Diablo, just come on back
If you ever wanna try again.
I've shown you now
You ugly hell spawn,
I'm the best that's ever been!"

And Leet went
Berserk on the mountain, run boys run
Diablo's in the house of the ‘Ith' item
Flayers at the dead man, picking out bones
Wishing it could be the Diablo clone

(More fiddle music)

Kill Baal sequels approved

Sequels to the epic Kill Baal saga have been green-lighted even though none of the original five films has been released yet. "I have a really good feeling that there is going to be a demand for sequels," said Alan Smithee, the films' director. "That and it keeps the cast from knocking at my door every day, begging for more work. Besides if it doesn't work out, I'm not the first to bankrupt a studio."

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