Cows raid human farm

In a daring act of revenge, a large group of cows attacked a human farm that was being used as a training ground for many heroes, killing everyone in their path.  The exact number dead is not known but it is believed that it could be as many as 50 heroes are dead and many more wounded.  Carl Yak, who owns the Yak Yak farm along with his brother, who witnessed the incident, commented about the tragedy.

“It was the first full day of training camp and we had a lot of rookies.  The sun had barely risen and many were still asleep when this portal opened up in the middle of the farm and all these cows started coming out of it.  The few heroes awake were practicing unarmed, as all the weapons had been sent off to the blacksmith for repairs and enhancements.  Some of the heroes there were seasoned veterans with very high strength.  But the most damage they could do unarmed was 1-2.  The only thing available to fight with was my set of pitchforks.  I handed them all out but it did little good.  The cows slaughtered everyone who tried to fight.  Others tried to run, but they couldn’t make it beyond the little brick walls at the edge of my farm.  Most were quickly surrounded and killed.  The cows seemed to enjoy the screams the heroes made as they were being killed.  I survived because I pretended to be dead.  I sure am glad none of them knows the find item skill.”

“The operation was well planned.  They picked the perfect time and place.  No one had any idea that they could open a portal.  But after seeing us do the same to them time after time, we shouldn’t have been surprised.  What was even more amazing was afterward watching them graze the entire farm, while picking up every set and unique piece of equipment dropped on the field.  Then they continued to scour the area for runes, jewels and charms.  It was surreal.”

“We got lucky though.  Right after this started, a couple of heroes were smart enough to run to the nearest town, where a king of a faraway land was there touring our region.  They grabbed him and took him back to the farm.  Then they threw him into the middle of the herd.  Most of the herd recognized who he was and backed away.  But there’s always one so involved in the killing that it didn’t realize that the human king was right among them.  So it killed him too.  Now they won’t ever be able to open a portal to my farm again.  But we might be having to prepare for war with a faraway land.”

It was a daring and brutal assault, and many items were taken.  However it is doubtful that the cows gained much experience.  Yet other farmers are advised to be on the lookout for these weapons of grass destruction.

Player doesn’t get nightmare difficulty

“He was thrilled to have finished Act 5,” said his friend.  “Then he said couldn’t wait to get home and try out the next level.  He expected nightmare to be awesome.  But then he calls me up saying that he’s back at the rogue camp and that none of the NPCs even recognize him.  I told him so what’s the problem and he tells me that Akara gave him the ‘Den of Evil’ quest again without realizing that he had already done it.  Then I’m trying to tell him that he’s starting over again but he keeps interrupting me, asking how to get to Act 6, and where’s the rest of the world to explore, and why would he want to go through this part of the world again.  I tried telling him that the monsters are now harder to kill and that he would get to develop his character further but he would have none of it.  He didn’t want to clear out the Den of Evil again.  He said, ‘After that what am I going to have to do next?  Kill Blood Raven?  I don’t think so.  There’s got to be another area in Sanctuary that I haven’t seen before.’  I then told him to go find it and while he’s looking for it, shut the hell up and leave me alone.  If he ever makes it to hell difficulty, I’m moving.”

Inquirer celebrates 2nd anniversary

Last month, the Inquirer celebrated its 2nd anniversary in style with a party that even the Hilton twins would be proud of.  Upon seeing Inquisitor surrounded by several scantily-clad women, a staff member remarked, “Now I know where most of our budget ends up going.”  Inquisitor, in his State of the Inquirer speech, said that it gives him great pleasure to know that “bookies and odds makers around the world are losing money because they gave high odds against our chances for survival.”  He attributed the continuing success of the Inquirer to what he called “spambush reporting,” which is “ambushing many sources many times until we hear something we like.” And he told everyone to “never let the truth get in the way of good reporting.”  He also said that it has been such a great year that he was expecting to keep the number of firings this month below ten.  He cut his speech short because he was eager to get to the boardroom.  “I knew it was a mistake to let him watch an episode of The Apprentice, said another staff member.  However, by this time, most of the staff members were too drunk to care.

Another suicide occurs off Arreat Summit

A necromancer jumped to his death from the summit of Mt. Arreat yesterday.  He has not been identified, pending notification of next of kin.  Sadly, suicides occur with increasing regularity on this sacred mountain.  A spokesperson for the Arreat Preservation Board has been trying to bring attention to this problem.

“So many have journeyed great distances to get here to battle Baal.  But as soon as many realize that they are not going to get past the Ancients, they become despondent and jump off the mountain.  It’s happening so often now that the townsfolk are calling it the Arreat plummet.  Sorceresses who rely on a single skill tree are the most likely to do it, followed by bowazons and non-overlord necros.  The whole valley can hear the screaming of a jumper, to which they remark that ‘there goes another one.’  One of the local shops has a sign in the store indicating the number of days Arreat has gone without a suicide, and the shopkeeper is always resetting that number.”

The Inquirer has learned that several members of the local community are working on a solution that will discourage others from trying to commit suicide off Mt. Arreat.  Their idea is to build a fence around the perimeter of the summit made of metal wiring having sharp edges protrude out at various intervals.  They are calling this new invention Barbwire.  It is hoped this fence will prevent future suicides while at the same time not obscure the lovely view of the highlands.

Werewolf Druids attempt to acquire howl

The Werewolf Druid Society today filed a lawsuit in an attempt to obtain the skill howl from the Barbarians.  The society believes that the howl skill is in their domain and that it was unfairly taken from them a long time ago.  A spokesperson for the group commented that, “It is obvious that the ability to howl to frighten others away is a Werewolf skill and not a stupid Barbarian skill.  Wolves have been howling long before the Barbarians came along.  And their howl is pathetic compared to ours.  They can shout, taunt, and cry all they want.  We just want back what is rightfully ours.  And we don’t want to leave them empty handed.  We are prepared to offer them either Hunger or Rabies in exchange.  I think that they would be really good at being hungry.”

 The Werewolves have sought a trial date that coincides with the full moon.  They expect arguments to drag on into the evening when, shortly after that, things will get decided “real quick.”

PDF Special Feature: Forum Member Classifications

Have you ever wanted to know more about your fellow forum members?  Most forum members fall into one or more of these categories based on Diablo 2.  Learn to identify which categories match by reading about their characteristics here.  Although they may imply a gender, the categories are not gender-specific. 

• “Pal”adin – Friendly and helpful to newbies and anyone in need of assistance, “pal”adins are well-liked and respected by most members of the forum.  Many have an aura of good cheer that rubs off on others.  But some are jealous of their popularity and make them a target of their attacks.  Some “pal”adins cannot handle evil and/or chaotic members, but most are quite capable of defending themselves and do so with plenty of zeal.


 
• Barburyem – Good-natured most of the time, barburyems are likable, but mostly concerned with their own issues.  Many are very active and often the life of the party, but woe to the members who rub them the wrong way or challenge their point of view too often.  Barburyems go berserk with little or no warning, unleashing a frenzy of attacks at their target and anyone foolish enough to get in the way.


 
• Spamazon – These prolific posters like to talk about anything, but unfortunately most don’t realize that quantity does not make up for lack of quality.  As a result they will reply to topics whether they have something valuable to contribute or not.  Spamazons are good at avoiding real issues, as well as dodging attacks.  True to their nature, they will respond with a multiple-shot attack.  Spamazons often do not understand why their posts are ignored or criticized.


 
• Necroposter – These members like to go around reviving long dead topics, often by members or guests who have long since left the forums.  Many necroposters are somewhat shy, but have been known to utter a curse or two when their actions are criticized.


 
• Forceress – They are similar to barburyems, but forceresses are more moody and tend to be ruled by their emotions, making them unstable and unpredictable.  Fire-based forceresses attack their target ferociously, often leaving flames visible from far away.  Cold-based forceresses leave chilling and cryptic messages, leaving other forum members wondering what’s up with them.  Forceresses may teleport far away from the forums without notice.
 


• “Ass”assin – Using stealth as a key tactic, “ass”assins like to sneak up on their targets by pretending to be friendly and helpful.  By the time other forum members realize their true nature, they have already fallen into their trap.  “Ass”assins charge up with a few subtle quips that other members mistake for honest criticisms.  Then they hit them with a brutal finishing insult.  “Ass”assins will then disappear into the shadows.  Some will summon a shadow master, which is just them under a different guise, hoping to repeat the process.
 


• D”rude”id – Unlike the “ass”assin, which likes to pick a target or two, the d”rude”id shows equal disdain for almost everyone, and is none too subtle about it.  D’rude”ids though are not evil in nature, leaving everyone to wonder what the hell happened to make them such sourpusses.  D”rude”ids don’t necessarily seek confrontation, but won’t hesitate to release their fury and maul their opponents, or worse rain down Armageddon on the entire community if challenged by too many members.


 
• Horadric Sage – They are normally well-seasoned veterans who like to give out advice and tell many stories of the olden days.  However there are many false sages who don’t know what they are talking about.  Some love to feed newbies bad information, while others are just plain clueless.


 
• NPC – Since many of them quit playing the game a long time ago, one wonders why the NPCs still hang around.  Some are trying to be Horadric Sages but others only want to discuss a single issue with anyone who will listen to them.  Since it is rare that anyone gets good information from them, most players will ignore them after the first encounter.


 
• Prime Evil – Subtlety is not their strong suit.  Heck it’s not even in their vocabulary.  Prime Evils are bad and want everyone else to know they’re bad.  They can easily bring total chaos to a forum, especially if they bring along other Prime Evils.  It usually takes a united effort from many members of the forum to bring them down.  And despite their efforts, sometimes the forum ends up like the village of Tristram: in ruins.

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