The PDF Inquirer #10: Where trash is king

Author: Inquisitor95
Date: 11/19/2003

Magic finding one big hoax

Following a long-term investigation, it has been concluded that the percent better chance of getting magical items property is completely useless. After extensive research, the Inquirer has shown that characters with 0% magic find are just as likely to find magic, rare, set, and unique items as characters with lots of magic find.

After a lot of prodding and blackmailing, a Blizzard official admitted, “Yes we did it to keep on fueling the interest in finding set and unique items. It was very entertaining to see how people much people would sacrifice their damage, defense, and resistances, just to think they had a better chance to find top-level items. Also it was funny to watch people trade away great items for a stupid pair of Chance Guards."

"I nearly died laughing watching someone get killed repeatedly trying to do Mephisto runs because he had 1,100 magic find with equipment that wasn’t good for anything else. Talk about a glutton for punishment. He couldn’t avoid disturbing the council members, after which they had him for breakfast. It is hilarious just how many players bought into this silly idea,” he continued.

The Inquirer advises all players to drop that magic-find gear immediately to avoid looking like a noob.

Former Iraqi Minister of Information new Blizzard spokesperson

Saeed Al Sahaf, formerly of the Iraq Ministry of Information, has been hired by Blizzard to be the company’s new spokesperson. “We wanted somebody who could handle himself in any situation and he needed a job. I think it was the perfect fit,” said a Blizzard insider. Here is an excerpt from his first press conference:

“I know what’s on your mind. The patch will be out next week. Mark my words. There will be millions of improvements. The fields will be filled with gold and artifacts never before imagined! And the top ladder character will win a million dollars! And start building those elemental druids now because they will be the most powerful character ever! And while you’re waiting for the new patch, I’ll tell you some secrets I’ll bet you’ve never heard before. You want to find great items? Go to the Swampy Pit. Put a cube inside your cube and another one inside of that and so on and you’ll have unlimited space. If you kill Pindleskin with all your resistances at exactly -66 he will drop a unique or set item from Treasure Class 90, guaranteed! So go play now because starting today, Blizzard will be paying you to play!”

Fashion-oriented runewords for Version 1.10 released

The Inquirer has the scoop on three new runewords with never-before seen visual effects on characters wearing the items containing them. These runewords are perfect for those wishing to have that distinctive look that sets them apart from the rest of the crowd. “I guarantee you will have everyone else looking at you,” said a Blizzard insider. The runewords are as follows:

Wonder: “PulLumLo”
Breast Plate (3 Sockets)

Required clvl: 59
Required sex: Female
100% Enhanced Defense
+10 to Energy
Maximum Lightning Resistance +5%
+3 to Javelin and Spear Skills (Amazon only)
+3 to Lightning Skills (Sorceress only)
+3 to Martial Arts (Assassin only)
Character appears in red, white, and blue suit with enhanced cleavage

Streak: “EthEl”
Wire Fleece (2 Sockets)

Required clvl: 53
+20 to Dexterity
Regenerate Mana +15%
+15 to Defense
+9 to Light Radius
+ 80% Faster Run/Walk
+100 Stamina
Character appears naked

Travesty: "ZodZodZod"
Headgear (3 sockets)

Required clvl: 69
Indestructible
Creates scroll containing major revelation
Character appears with unique look showing to others that he has created this runeword

No information could be obtained about what’s on the scroll, but an insider dropped a hint about the new look. He said, “Think circus.”

Evil daytime Emmy nominations announced

The nominations for the Forces of Evil Daytime Emmys were released this morning. “If there’s one thing the minions of Hell really love, it’s their daytime television,” said an adventuring hero who was passing through. “I just tried to get into the Den of Evil, but there’s a sign stating that it’s closed until 5 so they can watch their soaps. Thankfully, they think that prime time television sucks so I can finally get something accomplished then.”

The nominees for best daytime soap opera are:

• All My Carvers
• As the Worldstone Turns
• One Life to Give
• The Cowardly and the Ugly
• The Old and the Ruthless

The nominees for best daytime non-soap opera:

• Live with Duriel and Andariel
• The Undead View
• Witchdoctor Phil
• Martha Stewart Dying
• Oprah

And once again the Overseer of Hell TV denied a request that Geraldo’s show be aired on the basis that it would be a bad influence on the minions.

Will merc for food

Desperate to get a job, PDF member TOMBSTONE has put out an advertisement on all Battle.net realms. For the equivalent of $5 (US) an hour, TOMBSTONE will be your mercenary. He can play whatever character you desire. He will also wear anything you want to equip him with, no matter how stupid it looks. And unlike computer mercs, he will not get lost in the Catacombs or Arcane Sanctuary.

He will also not forget to cast beneficial spells and curses, and turn on his aura. And most importantly, he is capable of drinking healing potions on his own, although he does sometimes manage to get himself killed, but that hasn’t happened in at least a few days. So if you are in need of a merc, be sure to look for TOMBSTONE. He’s definitely a step up from the computer AI, at least a little bit.

PDF Police Blotter

The following is a listing of recent events involving PDF members (beyond the warnings and the bannings, which are so boring) in which it was necessary for the authorities to get involved.

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