"Not many people knew it but Tal Rasha had
a younger brother Hal Rasha. He kept a low profile because
he was on the slow side. He wasn't the sharpest tool in
the shed if you know what I mean. We called him Shallow
Hal. I thought that one up all by myself. It got me a lot
of laughs. Anyway, one day Tal told Hal that he had a task
to do over at that lost tomb, but he had also promised to
take one of the harem girls over to the Tastee-Freeze for
a sundae.
"Then he asked Hal if he could do him
this little tiny favor. Hal would go to the tomb and pretend
to be him. When Hal voiced his concern that he was afraid
of tombs and he didn't look much like his brother anyway,
Tal said that all he had to do was put on his mask, go into
the tomb, and announce that he was ready. The guys would
do the rest. They both left shortly after that, and I never
saw Hal again. But many years later, working in Upper Kurast,
I ran into Tal Rasha again, but he claimed he was someone
else and that he didn't know me. And when I asked about
Shallow Hal, he said he didn't know who I was talking about
and that I must be crazy."
Archaeologists are completely stunned. And heroes all over
are burning their Tal Rasha set items and action figures.
Needless to say, it will be quite a while until things calm
down. The Inquirer will continue to cover this developing
story.
The case against Isenhart
A group of Diablo II players have filed a class
action lawsuit against Isenhart. "I think he should have to
compensate the Diablo community for littering the
field with all of his trash," said one of the litigants. "There
have been so many times when I saw green items on the ground
and would get so excited. Then I'd realize that it was a breast
plate that dropped and then the anguish would set in. That's
not right. This guy is spamming us with his junk. I haven't
come up with any way to show actual damages, but I figure
a jury would give me at least half a million for mental suffering."
When asked how he planned to serve Isenhart with the suit
he replied, "I'm not sure. We haven't thought that far ahead."
PDF Inquirer celebrates one year anniversary
Last month, the Inquirer reached the one year milestone for
being your source of information that no others would dare
report. In his "State of the Inquirer" speech, Inquisitor
remarked that in the beginning "the Inquirer faced many obstacles,
including almost insurmountable apathy. But today that is
no longer the case. Everyone hates our guts. The collection
notices, lawsuits, and death threats are a constant reminder
that people really care. And that we have made a difference.
And before I announce the latest pay cuts and firings, I'd
like to thank all of you one more time for a job well done.
And keep in mind that trust and integrity matter to many of
our customers and it is essential that we continue to exploit
this." Several ex-staff members wished to make comments but
unfortunately there wasn't enough room to include them.
Modbot calls it quits
PDF moderator Rayner has retired, ending a long and successful career of terrorizing spammers and banning trolls. Rayner gave a few reasons for retiring, but insiders think there was more to the story. Some think he contracted a computer virus, while others believe he retired due to an extremely bad case of rust. A few say that Sondan and Big Time altered his programming so that he would be inclined to step down and recommend that they replace him. One source commented that the Acolyte simply had him removed from the premises with a giant magnet. But whatever the reason, the Inquirer wishes Rayner a happy retirement and in a send off sings the Rayner theme song one last time:
Who’s the banner of the board that’s made for you and me?
R-A-Y, N-E-R, R-O-B-O-T!
Rayner Robot (Madanark)
Rayner Robot (Madanark)
Leave the boards forever now you’re banned (that’s right)
Who’s the banner of the board that’s made for you and me?
R-A-Y, N-E-R, R-O-B-O-T!
R-A-Y,
Why? Cause you’re a spammer.
N-E-R,
Are you sure? Absolutely.
R-O-B-O-T
The Battle.net Experience mod released
A new mod entitled "The Battle.net Experience" had just been released. In an exclusive interview, the mod's creator promised that this mod "would bring the experience of playing on Battle.net to the single player. For example, in the beginning you will have to wait a random amount of time to create a new game. Sometimes the wait will be long. Once in the game, other players will appear every so often, trying to distract you. It is very customizable. You can choose from 32 different languages that other players will use to swear at you. And some of the other players will follow you, trying to steal your drops, while others will bring up various scams to try to get you to reveal your password. And some will hostile you, especially at the most inopportune times. This mod will make you remember why you left Battle.net in the first place." The Inquirer reviewers have given it two middle fingers up. So download it today. Real masochists can download the version with a built-in virus.
GameSpy employees accused of espionage
Several employees of GameSpy were arrested after being caught breaking into a government building. According to a witness at the scene, "there were all these guys in black ninja suits acting real tough, at least until the police got a hold of them. Then they start whimpering and begging for their lives. There was also this guy dressed up in an expensive suit that didn't quite fit him. All he asked for was a vodka martini, stirred not shaken. I don't think they found what they were looking for. Heck I don't think they even knew what they were looking for." When the Inquirer asked one of the "ninjas" what they were doing sneaking around a government building at night, he responded, "Hello! We're GameSpy! Duh!"
Player's Valkyrie actually kills something
An amazing event was witnessed on the realms yesterday. A player came forward
to say that he saw his amazon partner's Valkyrie kill a monster.
"We were in Nihlathak's Temple, just about to kill Pindleskin
when I saw it. I said to my partner, 'Dude, your Valkyrie
just killed that defiled warrior over there.' Then he said
that I must be mistaken because his Valkyrie never kills anything.
Then I said, 'Dude, I swear I saw it happen. Your Valkyrie
made a kill.' Then he said 'Whoa, I don't think that has happened
before. Do you think we should tell someone?' Then I'm like,
'Whoa, do you think they would believe us?' Then he said,
'Maybe we should document this or something. How about hitting
print screen?' But before I could hit print screen, the defiled
warrior got back up. Then I said, 'Dude, does it count as
a kill when the monster gets back up?' Then he said, 'Dude,
you're giving me a headache! How am I supposed to know?' Anyway
I'd swear on my granny's grave I saw a Valkyrie kill something."
Editor's note: The Inquirer doesn't believe his story, but feels it has to report the news when it happens.
Blizzard announces Diablo III: Nothing But Cows
Blizzard has finally announced the next installment of the Diablo series, titled Diablo III: Nothing But Cows. According to a Blizzard spokesperson, in DIII: NBC, you will get the chance to "battle cows on a farm, battle cows in a dark forest, battle cows in a barren desert, battle cows in a swamp, battle cows in an artic wasteland, and battle cows in an ancient fortress." When asked why only cows in this game, he responded that "too many players complained about the difficulty in battling other monsters and that they wanted more options for cow runs. We learned that we should give customers what they want and that's exactly what we're doing." When asked if the player would get the chance to kill Diablo again in this game, he replied that "nobody kills Diablo anymore so what's the point in doing that."
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