Features | Dear Helga

Most people don't know that Helga von Bulow, famed Nazi occultist and head of Himmler's Paranormal division, is a one woman think tank. No one to turn to? Helga is here for you. Whether your questions pertain to gaming, life, love, or sauerkraut recipes; Helga von Bulow has all the answers!

Latest Helga

  • Helga comes home for the holidays!  December 24, 2008
    The traditional reading of "The Night Before Christmas".

    Past Helga

  • Helga returns after a month away!  September 12, 2008
    Admit it, you missed her!

  • Helga dishes out some advice two months late!  August 14, 2008
    What would we do without her?

  • Helga comes back to crap on people.  June 19, 2008
    Awww, how sweet, Helga missed us!

  • Helga answers the latest community questions!  May 1, 2008
    Crazy people are... crazy!

  • Helga never forgets her fans!  April 17, 2008
    As hard as she might try.

  • Helga's back to help out her pathetic fans!  March 6, 2008
    Even though Helga hates you, she can't seem to pass up answering the email trickling in.

  • Helga plays catchup.  February 21, 2008
    Helga catches up and brings us some of her favourite email exchanges from years gone by!

  • Helga returns for the holidays!  December 27, 2007
    Find out what's in Helga's Christmas mail sack this holiday season.

  • Pity mail, a letter from Pappy-R and more!  October 18, 2007
    Helga slips one in!

  • Helga beatboxing and other weirdness.  October 4, 2007
    Write in you slackers!

  • Arms dealers, Wolfenstein movie, mapping and more!  September 6, 2007
    Helga's got the answers you seek!

  • Manties, not just for Pokemon players anymore!  August 16, 2007
    RtCW help, hairy and scary, plus split personality boy returns.

  • Castle Wolfenstein 2 and split personalities!  August 2, 2007
    Helga is so much hotter than you (she paid me to say that).

  • A boyfriend and girlfriend team up on Helga.  July 19, 2007
    Things aren't pretty this week.

  • Helga answers Sissy & Eggbert mail.  June 28, 2007
    Plus Wolfenstein 3D chatter.

  • Cheaters and coochies.  June 14, 2007
    What more could you ask for?

  • An old friend drops in.  May 31, 2007
    What?! Helga has friends? Say it ain't so.

  • Helpful Helga at the ready!  May 17, 2007
    A little help for her poppets, plus more blog entries.

  • Most craptastic emails ever!  May 3, 2007
    Top Secret Sexy Blog saves the day. Sort of.

  • P.S. Helga hates you.  April 19, 2007
    Even more than she hated you last week.

  • Sexy parties, sexy blogs, it's all so... sexy!  April 5, 2007
    Or so Helga says.

  • Helga has a super-sexy secret...  March 22, 2007
    Look inside for excerpts from Helga's Top Secret Sexy Blog!

  • Von Hotty Totty is back to do business.  February 22, 2007
    Aussie jokes, cheating wankers, custom campaigns and more!

  • The Red Baron and the Bad Baron...  January 25, 2007
    Double your Baron pleasure!

  • The first Dear Helga of 2007!  January 11, 2007
    Five years running, and still nasty!

  • Lust, scripts and some retro-holiday cheer!  December 28, 2006
    Holidays from Helga's past.

  • A bit short on the advice this week...  December 14, 2006
    But read it anyway or Helga will kick your ass!

  • Helga and Mr. T team up to...  November 30, 2006
    Save the world's milk supply?

  • Saving Bubba, sausage stylings and more!  November 16, 2006
    Helga's full of good advice today!

  • Movies, PunkBuster and Retro Love  November 2, 2006
    Get out your disco ball and join Helga in the past!

  • Helga offers to get naked...  October 12, 2006

  • Wackjobs and Wolfenknobs  September 21, 2006
    Just the way Helga likes 'em!

  • Go home frenchies!  September 7, 2006
    Poor poutine eaters, Helga picking on 'em again.

  • More issues than you can shake a Panzer at!  August 24, 2006
    Helga helps the helpless.

  • More letters from...  August 10, 2006

  • The never-ending search for BJ.  July 27, 2006
    Get in line bub!

  • Thongs, tramps and RtCW 2!  July 13, 2006
    It's a great day around the Castle Wolfenstein.

  • Lord help us all...  June 29, 2006
    Someone pass around the bamboo shoots.

  • Dr. Phil she ain't.  June 15, 2006
    A little short this week.

  • Girls gone wild!  June 1, 2006
    Whoa, what happened to sweet little General Gina?

  • Neal and Bob...  May 11, 2006
    Tee hee, get it?

  • Something going on? Who you gonna call?  May 4, 2006
    Helga Ballbusters!

  • Ouch, Helga's in quite the mood today.  April 13, 2006
    Stand back, she sprays!

  • Some tough questions for our tough cookie.  March 30, 2006
    Also featuring Lance the Metrosexual Man-Slave!

  • More boobies?  March 16, 2006
    You people need to get a grip. Ugh, not on that!

  • It's raining men, hallelujah!  March 2, 2006
    It's raining men, amen!

  • Pretending to have a girlfriend...  February 16, 2006
    To cover up your B.J. fetish!

  • Dear Helga, Featuring Lance The Manwhore!  January 26, 2006
    Answers to your tough questions and a pinch to grow an inch!

  • One boob is clearly better than the other!  January 12, 2006
    Which though? This column is full of boobs!

  • The last Dear Helga of 2005!  December 29, 2005
    She promises to be meaner in 2006. Old maid syndrome I think it's called.

  • Short on emails but rich on content!  December 15, 2005
    Hit it before it hits you!

  • The latest poppetty goodness!  November 24, 2005
    Hicks, chicks and dicks!

  • A new discovery!  November 11, 2005
    Poppets melt in your mouth, not in your hands!

  • Cake like mother used to bake?  October 27, 2005
    Me thinks not!

  • Are you a buttocks head?  October 13, 2005
    Probably. Mmmm buttocks heads.

  • Is your nationality cool?  September 29, 2005
    Find your purpose in life in this week's Dear Helga!

  • To the moon and beyond!  September 15, 2005
    Helga answers more odd questions this week.

  • Helga and B.J., strategical alliance?  September 1, 2005
    Nein! Silly pop-pop-poppety poppets.

  • Helga's advice, fine wine or pork rinds?  August 11, 2005
    Probably the latter, but don't tell her we said that!

  • An officer and a gentleman?  July 28, 2005
    General Commando tells us about his junk!

  • Medic! Medic! Medic!  July 14, 2005
    Shutup and have a little debbie.

  • Why is Helga so flustered this week?  June 30, 2005
    A little help and an underwear joke or two!

  • As craptastic as it gets!  June 16, 2005
    Helga hates on her own column this week.

  • Helga's Top 10 Songs and more...  June 2, 2005
    She'll break your Achy Breaky Heart!

  • The Wolfenstein community needs assistance...  May 19, 2005
    And Helga is the only one who can help! Scary, huh?

  • Poppets... Muppets...  May 5, 2005
    The madness continues.

  • The best fry-up ever?  April 21, 2005
    The Scottish creams the French in this week's Dear Helga!

  • Dr. Phil versus Helga  April 7, 2005
    One kick to the man bobbles and he's down!

  • What's a pony to do?  March 24, 2005
    Would you want Helga on YOUR back?!

  • Smoo?  March 17, 2005
    Helga talks turkey (and chicken)!

  • Rounding the bases.  March 3, 2005
    Dear Helga's spring training!

  • Conspiracy theories out the wazoo.  February 17, 2005
    The Dear Helga lost 'n found!

  • Disco balls and sausage-fests.  February 3, 2005
    A typical day around ze Castle Wolfenstein!

  • Gaming enlightenment...  January 27, 2005
    Done up Helga style!

  • Knocking up Helga...  January 13, 2005
    It's never been scarier around here!

  • The last Dear Helga of 2004!  December 30, 2004
    Ping size, a very special Christmas, a Wolfenstein soap opera and more!

  • Red Bull or Bull Shit?  December 16, 2004
    Find out if Helga's latest battle plan will fly!

  • Helga returns to her hate-filled fans.  December 2, 2004
    The tunes of Wolfenstein, the search for an old advert, getting a piece, and more!

  • Special: Helga vs. Squishy  December 1, 2004
    The Quake III Arena Challenge!

  • PlanetDOOM's Squishy Challenges Helga!  November 18, 2004
    A deathmatch duel like never before..

  • No fancy educations for Helga.  November 11, 2004
    Learning life on the farm!

  • Naughty Beaver, keep your ET clean!  November 4, 2004
    And assorted reader musings!

  • Halloween Treats!  October 21, 2004
    And Helga's large pumpkins!

  • Helga booty shakes her way in to October...  October 7, 2004
    A whole new month of people with issues.

  • The all-knowing von Bulow.  September 30, 2004
    Telling it like it is!

  • Music, cross-dressing, cross-breeding and more!  September 23, 2004
    Just your average day around the Castle Wolfenstein.

  • Love gone bad.  September 16, 2004
    More violence than you can shake a Panzer at!

  • Zombies, manlove and bacon...  September 9, 2004
    Your typical edition of Dear Helga!

  • Worries and woes, all solved before your very eyes!  September 2, 2004
    Helga style.

  • Helga's Beauty Tips  August 26, 2004
    So that's what the cucumber slices are for!

  • Haunting houses...  August 19, 2004
    Helga style!

  • American wussies!  August 12, 2004
    Learning to take it in the man bobbles.

  • Smells like teen spirit...  August 5, 2004
    Or rotten eggs.

  • Mmm cheese.  July 29, 2004
    Not for the lactose intolerant.

  • Strange games of Monopoly.  July 22, 2004
    With a side order of bacon.

  • Super Soldats...  July 15, 2004
    Not just for breakfast anymore!

  • Get a whole lotta love tonight...  July 8, 2004
    Treat your Helga right!

  • Helga brings in July...  Julu 1, 2004
    With more abuse (and a little advice too)!

  • You've got problems...  June 24, 2004
    And Helga's got the cure!

  • Helga vs. Squishy  June 17, 2004
    An advice columnist showdown!

  • Helga returns from SausageCon 2004!  June 10, 2004
    Answering your questions after taking a week off...

  • Helga answers your every question!  May 27, 2004
    More or less...

  • A bitter-sweet history lesson.  May 20, 2004
    Helga tells us like it is.

  • Love, hate and more schnitzel.  May 13, 2004
    Who's your daddy, err mommy?

  • E3 booth babes gone bad!  May 6, 2004
    Helga's looking hotter than ever?

  • Beating the minions...  April 29, 2004
    Sounds almost... dirty.

  • Life, love and video games...  April 22, 2004
    Dear Helga knows the answer!

  • Advice on hair cuts?  April 15, 2004
    Dear Helga reaches a new level of weird.

  • Help me Helga, help, help me, Helga.  April 8, 2004
    Wacks, quacks and gooey snacks!

  • Helga's no April Fool.  April 1, 2004
    Your questions are never too tricky for the von Bulow!

  • Love advice, cows, technical woes and plenty more!  March 25, 2004
    Grabbing the bull by the horns.

  • Lecture and be lectured...  March 18, 2004
    Helga vs. Helga.

  • More meat than you can shake a llama at!  March 11, 2004
    And pudding too...

  • Big juicy slabs of cow...  March 4, 2004
    A vegetarian nightmare.

  • Mancakes, sausage, twinkies and schnitzel!  February 25, 2004
    A column about food or Wolfenstein? You be the judge!

  • A heaping helping of advice with a side order of insult.  February 19, 2004
    The latest ramblings from the Wolf community plus one deranged German woman!

  • Xbox, Airstrikes, Panzer Whoring and more.  February 12, 2004
    Plus another Big Mac sacrifice. Mmm... sacrifices.

  • Sucking eggs is bad 'mkay?  February 5, 2004
    Real help and a whole lotta suck!

  • Have you reserved your spot in Helgatopia?  January 29, 2004
    Helga's Ten Commandments.

  • They're coming to take you away, ha-haa!  January 22, 2004
    No shortage of crazy people.

  • Do you have pop in a can?  January 15, 2004
    Old jokes and drunken Canadians.

  • The New World Helga Regime  January 8, 2004
    All aboard the crazy train for Helgatopia!

  • The first Dear Helga of 2004!  January 1, 2004
    Kick the New Year off right with Helga.

  • 'Twas The Night Before Christmas...  December 24, 2003
    A special Christmas Eve edition of Dear Helga!

  • Connecting the Dots.  December 18, 2003
    Helga shows a MoH player the path to enlightenment.

  • Oh noes, Helga has gone Vegetarian! Psyche!  December 11, 2003
    Meaty Vikings and a whole lotta lubbins!

  • A backyard BBQ Helga style.  December 4, 2003
    Someone call 911, this woman is outta control!

  • The season of giving...abuse?  November 27, 2003
    Meatheads and honeydew melons, this can't be healthy.

  • Incoming!  November 20, 2003
    Lots of ass...clowns!

  • What do you do when a friend turns their back on true love?  November 13, 2003
    No, not women... Wolfenstein!

  • Yeehaw, ride 'em Helga!  November 06, 2003
    Last week the joke was on Helga, this time she gets her revenge by not reading your emails.

  • Helga chew's them up and spits them out!  October 30, 2003
    Serious screw ups, insults, the story of Helga's youth, soldier uniforms for the metabolically challenged and more insults await!

  • Sex, sausage and bikinis!  October 23, 2003
    Get down and truly dirty with some pillow loving, buttocks groping and assorted other goodies.

  • Help, Hope or Hinderance, it's Helga time!  October 16, 2003
    Helga enjoys nothing more zan a good bobble kicking.

  • A taste of the old "Bulow touch"  October 9, 2003
    Put the bling-bling back in YOUR ping!

  • Killer penguin attack!  October 2, 2003
    It's back to normal in this week's Helga... so to speak, anyway.

  • Links galore!  September 25, 2003
    In a strange turn of events, the PW advice columnist gives out actual advice!

  • More people talking vith ze funny accents  September 18, 2003
    The PW Über-Frau dishes out some love and abuse!

  • Vampire nazis ahoy!  September 11, 2003
    Remember, kids, Helga loves a man with meat stuck to his head!

  • Schemes, spleens and wet dreams!  September 4, 2003
    Be careful what you wish for...

  • Gluttons for punishment!  August 28, 2003
    Featuring an extra-fuzzy Helga! (don't ask...)

  • A strangely helpful Helga  August 21, 2003
    Short on zombies and perverts, long on links to the PW Forums

  • Readers line up for inspection!  August 14, 2003
    What does it take to get into Helga's ranks?

  • How to get points and influence people  August 7, 2003
    Booze, bombs and bad accents!

  • Maybe she's on medication?  July 31, 2003
    It's a surprisingly friendly edition of Dear Helga - not a death threat in sight!

  • Helga's got your number, and she's dialing!  July 24, 2003
    "...kicking man donuts in ze fruity pebbles." 'nuff said!

  • A bag full of live wires this week!  July 17, 2003
    Don't worry, though, there's still people to drool over the Elite Guards in this one.

  • The equations of war  July 10, 2003
    If you read really carefully, you might even find Helga being (*gasp*) helpful this week!

  • Taking Enemy Territory just a little too far  July 3, 2003
    There's also big 80's hair and wet Lederhosen waiting in the latest Helga!

  • More Elite Guard hijinx!  June 26, 2003
    Also: remember, it's ok to love your zombie. Just not like that.

  • History according to Helga  June 19, 2003
    This week's theme - big fat hairy things!

  • Hot of the presses, it's more Helga!  June 12, 2003
    Elite guards, and the players who love them

  • Summer, when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of lopers  June 5, 2003
    Plus, handy tips for those annoying zombie infestations

  • Love and hate... and Helga!  May 30, 2003
    Back to normal, more or less.

  • The Women of Wolfenstein!  May 22, 2003
    Longest. Email. Ever.

  • Time travelers, beware!  May 15, 2003
    Take a walk on the wild side, batteries not included.

  • There's nobody quite like our Helga  May 8, 2003
    Laying those myths to rest...with a Panzerfaust!

  • Well on your way, to therapy  May 1, 2003
    If Helga love is wrong, I don't wanna be right!

  • Playing with pancakes and hand grenades  April 24, 2003
    You've got to be cruel to be kind, ja?

  • Helga, the goodwill ambassador of gaming! (or not)  April 17, 2003
    Featuring insightful commentary on cross-gaming adventures

  • Talking about what men want  April 10, 2003
    There's also disco, man-hunks of love, and Helga's retirement plans!

  • Back to the normal for Dear Helga!  April 3, 2003
    No mods or screenshots this week, just good old-fashioned Helga!

  • Der Helgamod kommt züruck!  March 27, 2003
    Showing off some screenshots of our sexy German vixen!

  • "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche"  March 20, 2003
    More of the usual fun and games Helga plays with the readers!

  • It's short and sweet, unlike Helga!  March 13, 2003
    Special birthday greetings and so much more!

  • The secret of Helga's iron womb?  March 6, 2003
    Contains over 100% of your USRDA of Helga!

  • What's in a name?  February 27, 2003
    Jam packed with more useless crap than should be allowed by law!

  • Sex, drugs, and rock and roll!  February 20, 2003
    Helga's hitting all the bases this week!

  • The truth behind the cancellation of Enemy Territory!  February 13, 2003
    Served with tea, courtesy of the British armed forces

  • How much truth can you take?  February 6, 2003
    A little tongue? Wolf U baby!

  • Invasion of the caps lock cowboys!  January 30, 2003
    And once more, a review of Helga's thespian tendencies...

  • Fending off fiends!  January 23, 2003
    Helga's up to her hefty hips in proposals and propaganda!

  • A big, big Helga  January 16, 2003
    Egads! More robots! Plus, the largest underwear you've ever seen!

  • Revenge of the catchphrase that wouldn't die!  January 9, 2003
    Plus - more pie, more Wolfenstein, and Helga's top-secret love tips!

  • A special bite-size Helga  January 2, 2003
    Just because it's small doesn't mean there's no mention of pie

  • Verbal sparring for Boxing Day  December 26, 2002
    Second chances, Swedish gaming, and a bonus history lesson!

  • Bundles of love from Germany  December 19, 2002
    Drunken Santas and gun-toting rednecks are no match for Helga's razor-sharp wit!

  • Helga talks the talk  December 12, 2002
    Morals and mayhem...what did you expect?

  • Helga's Girls Gone Wild!  November 28, 2002
    Plus, some other games that aren't Wolfenstein.

  • MoH bashing and some mashed mistress!  November 21, 2002
    The price of ammo goes up and Helga goes off!

  • Loper tossing for fun and profit!  November 14, 2002
    Helga sightings - fact or fiction?

  • More of Helga's world-famous advice!  November 7, 2002
    RtCW or MoA? The war rages on!

  • Helga's Hallowe'en Haunting  October 31, 2002
    Scoop! It's Helga's Guide to Dating!

  • Helga's Top 10 Hotties!  October 24, 2002
    Video Game Character conventions in Vegas?

  • Feel Helga's Heat!  October 17, 2002
    Already with the tricking and the treating?

  • A message from God!  October 10, 2002
    "Don't shoot rockets at your feet."

  • With apologies to Eminem...  October 3, 2002
    Plus a sad, sad tale of defective ponies from Helga's childhood

  • Advice flows like chocolate!  September 26, 2002
    Who knew Pappy-R needed some advice from Helga?

  • Regarding Helga's fondness for sausage...  September 19, 2002
    Plus, dating advice for 43-year-old men named Henry!

  • The tale of the chocolate prostitute!  September 12, 2002
    Also in this issue: summer love and Christmas-caroling zombies!

  • Germans that still don't speak German  September 5, 2002
    Helga has big love, ja?

  • Helga tells it like it is  August 29, 2002
    More spooky scientists, joyriding fanboys, and handy tech support!

  • Helga selects a husband!  August 22, 2002
    Here comes the bride, all dressed in... leather?

  • Too many B.J.s spoil the soup.  August 15, 2002
    Beware future B.J. impersonators, we're on to you!

  • Who wants to marry a Helga?  August 8, 2002
    Enter to win a once-in-a-lifetime prize!

  • Helgas in Tinseltown  August 1, 2002
    Who is worthy of the role of the feisty femme fatale? (and we do mean fatal)

  • Freaks and geeks unleashed  July 25, 2002
    Are you a Helga? Find out now with the handy quiz!

  • The greatest mystery of Wolfenstein revealed!  July 11, 2002
    Also in this issue: bonus panzerfaust cleaning tips!

  • Getting in touch with your inner sociopath  July 4, 2002
    Glory be, it's the end of the poetry!

  • Just say "mein wiener schnitzel."  June 27, 2002
    Plus, more about Danes and Tribes players than you ever wanted to know!

  • Upgrades, escapades, and the luck of the pig!  June 20, 2002
    Egads! More poetry contest entries!

  • Sex, jumps and rock n'roll!  June 13, 2002
    Helga truly is.. poetry in motion!

  • Diet, Exercise and Exorcism  June 6, 2002
    Have you ever wondered how Helga manages to keep that lovely figure of hers?

  • Helga's Poetry Contest!  June 1, 2002
    Impress her with poetry to win some wolfish garb!

  • Beast or babe?  May 30, 2002
    She's got a good head on her shoulders...again!

  • Getting personal with Helga  May 23, 2002
    Special guest appearance by Hellchick!

  • Helga tells it like it is!  May 16, 2002
    Again vit ze qvestions und ze answers!

  • Zee grouchy Helga bites back?!  May 09, 2002
    Rompin' with Helga!

  • Helga's in the deep end!  May 02, 2002
    Two pages of pepper!

  • Helga Von Bulow, hopeless romantic  April 27, 2002
    Let the fun begin!


    The character of Helga von Bulow is property of Id Software, Inc. and is used by permission at PlanetWolfenstein. Id Software, Inc. is not affiliated with "Dear Helga" in any way. The resulting column, comments and reader feedback is all for fun, not unlike Loper tossing.

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