Features | Articles | Sissy and Eggbert Go To The Movies
Sissy
Award-winning Wolfenstein film columnist Sissy helped to shape Wolfenstein movie criticism as we know it. As co-host of "Sissy & Eggbert", Sissy and partner Eggbert have influenced and entertained millions of people with their opinions
and barbs on current Wolfenstein films, becoming part of the American entertainment culture and making their
trademark "two boney hands up/two boney hands down" a pop culture icon. A graduate of Wolfenstein University, Sissy received a bachelors
degree in Zombiology.
Eggbert
Co-host of "Sissy & Eggbert", Eggbert is a Pulitzer Prize-winning Wolfenstein film critic and has been working
for the Zombie Sun-Times since 1967. Eggbert is the author of 15 books, including "Great Wolfenstein Movies,"
"Eggbert's Wolfenstein Movie Yearbook," "I Hated, Hated, HATED This Wolfenstein Movie," the Norton anthology "Eggbert's Book of Wolfenstein Film," and the best-selling "Eggbert's Bigger Little Wolfenstein Movie Glossary".
Sissy: Today we start off with an Enemy Territory movie of epic proportions with a look at "eSrael The Movie", weighing in at a hefty 500MB and running almost 18 minutes in length.
Eggbert: Holy half eaten cow that's big.
Sissy: As if you'd only eat half the cow. Yeah, it's big, but is it worth its weight?
Eggbert: I wouldn't know yet, I'm still downloading. When the hell is von Bulow gonna get cable in the Castle Wolfenstein?
Sissy: I don't know, she said something about submitting the request in triplicate with a side order of sausage.
Eggbert: I got her sausage right HERE! But I ate it.
Sissy: Alright, that's enough of that, time to get down and dirty here. eSrael... you want effects? This movie's definitely got a lot of that going on. The effects are plentiful and many are sync'ed to both the action and the music. Not bad really, a movie this size needs some flash or its not going to keep the viewer in their seat for long.
Eggbert: You call all that flashing a good effect? The dude nearly gave me a damn seizure!
Sissy: Yeah I suppose it was a little overly "flashy" in spots, but outside of that the effects weren't too bad. Music was average, seemed to jump around quite a bit with different styles. I'm not sure if I liked that or not. Graphics were average as well, seen better, seen much worse. I would say that the highlight of this film was actually the frags. Often the frags are poor to average, thus taking a back seat in films where the director is forced to cover up with music and FX. I personally felt that eSrael didn't need to do any cover-up here, I thought the frags alone were worth the price of admission for this one.
Eggbert: I think I actually agree with you for once. But I'm still going to have to get payback for that whole seizure episode. Death by movie, how would that look on my resume? Not to mention all of the future little Eggies that would never see the light of day!
Sissy: So you're saying this guy almost saved the planet from little Eggies? Shame he didn't manage to finish the job. Fortunately I think you'll be needing a woman before we are graced with your gruesome off-spring, and the chances of you scoring a woman are next to nil.
Eggbert: Shutup! I could have lots of women. If I wanted. This movie SUCKED! I hate you!
Sissy: *snicker* Overall, a good movie, not the best, but quite good. Worth the download in this reviewer's opinion, have at it!
Sissy: Return to Castle Wolfenstein on deck! We haven't had any RtCW around here in some time now. Is it a welcome addition to today's featured films lineup?
Eggbert: You tell me, I think my time could be better spent eating brains like the French (and people give us Zombies a bad rap) or haunting the castle or something. Speaking of the Castle Wolfenstein, have you noticed that people are always trying to kill us? What did we ever do to them?!
Sissy: It's a game stupid, what did you think you were being hired for? To sit around eating pork rinds and watching soap operas all day? Yeesh. Now let's not get off track here this time, we've got a movie to review. Go watch it NOW while I start.
Eggbert: Yeah, you ramble while I uhm go... watch the movie... yeah, that's it... I'm going to go watch the movie.
Sissy: Hmm, why do I get the feeling that you're actually going for another snack? Okay, on to Close Protection Program! At first glance this movie seemed a little pointless. It's pretty short at just over two minutes, and I wasn't quite sure where they were going with it. But I couldn't help but continue to watch, it drew me in, which in the movie business is a good thing of course. It's all very covert-like really, and the slow motion sniper shots were really quite clever. Effects were enjoyable, the music worked and the graphics were good. I guess my only beef would be that it could have been a little longer and included some more of that funky sniper action.
Eggbert: Yeah, I liked the sniper stuff too, mostly because it wasn't me being shot at. But all things said (by you) and done (not by me because I have more important things to do), I enjoyed this short video... emphasis on "short".
Sissy: Oh come on, you have to admit it was rather compelling. Surely you didn't just like it because it was short and it didn't cut in to your eating time too badly!
Eggbert: The movie was alright, but I could do better. Unfortunately that would cut in to my eating time too badly!
Sissy: And that's all she wrote folks, short video, but probably worth a download if you're a movie buff or a RtCW fan. I'll wrap things up here so Eggbert can get back to NOT procreating... one boney hand up here. While the movie seemed sort of pointless, possibly due to its length, it was also oddly enjoyable to watch in its own peculiar little way.
Final Rating:
Sissy:
Eggbert:
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