Features | Articles | Sissy and Eggbert Go To The Movies
Sissy
Award-winning Wolfenstein film columnist Sissy helped to shape Wolfenstein movie criticism as we know it. As co-host of "Sissy & Eggbert", Sissy and partner Eggbert have influenced and entertained millions of people with their opinions
and barbs on current Wolfenstein films, becoming part of the American entertainment culture and making their
trademark "two boney hands up/two boney hands down" a pop culture icon. A graduate of Wolfenstein University, Sissy received a bachelors
degree in Zombiology.
Eggbert
Co-host of "Sissy & Eggbert", Eggbert is a Pulitzer Prize-winning Wolfenstein film critic and has been working
for the Zombie Sun-Times since 1967. Eggbert is the author of 15 books, including "Great Wolfenstein Movies,"
"Eggbert's Wolfenstein Movie Yearbook," "I Hated, Hated, HATED This Wolfenstein Movie," the Norton anthology "Eggbert's Book of Wolfenstein Film," and the best-selling "Eggbert's Bigger Little Wolfenstein Movie Glossary".
Sissy: Another week, another movie review! Nothing fresh on tap this week so we had to dig around in the vault a bit, this time taking a look at L-aim-er, a frag highlight flick by Seraph. How can we pass down a title like that?
Eggbert: We can't! Because I'm a lamer, you're a lamer, wouldn't you like to be a lamer too?!
Sissy: Weiner songs work pretty much anywhere. So I started up L-aim-er and I have to say that all of my senses were immediately assaulted. The intro (if you want to call it that) is nothing more than a psychedelic flash-back to the '70's. We're talking sheer effect overkill here, at its finest (or worst really). Twirly, wirly and completely pointless.
Eggbert: I have a headache now.
Sissy: The effect quickly changes to a more pixelated took, less offensive than the swirlies, but still going balls deep on the old effects here. Oh wait, more swirlies. If there are frags being performed here then I'm not really seeing them as the effects are far too distracting.
Eggbert: Can I slap Seraph?
Sissy: Yes. Oh wait, here come the sun spots. A few frags. More swirlies. Insert strange effect here. A few more frags. More strange effects. It's too early for this, time to visit the procelain god. It's a shame really, because I think this could actually be a decent frag movie if it wasn't for the sheer number of weak effects in the video. Of course, the music is crap as well, but the frags are fast paced, graphics are sharp and those two things would have made a good base for the video.
Eggbert: It's safe to say that this video lives up to the name "L-aim-er".
Sissy: Yes, quite safe. Here's the deal kids... don't try this at home, but unless you are wasted out of your tree I can't in good faith recommend this video. I wouldn't want to be responsible for giving someone an epileptic fit!
Eggbert: 'fo shame bro.
Sissy: Yeah okay, Eggy from the hood.
Eggbert: I mean 'fo shame that I just lost my lunch. It was a good one too, a nice brain sandwich with lettuce, tomato, bacon and a heap of mayo.
Sissy: Poor you. Fortunately I only have a coffee in my belly, or else I'd be joining you in the cookie toss. Needless to say, I'm going to have to go boners down here. Like I said, the video has some excellent qualities that could have been a basis for something really good. But the effects just ruined the video completely. They were abused and over-used and enough to make even the most sober of persons turn to the bottle!
Eggbert: Yeah, let's get drunk!
Sissy: No. My head is spinning enough as it is. Sorry Seraph, but better luck next time. Until next week this is Sissy & Eggbert saying don't do LSD and author movies!
Final Rating:
Sissy:
Eggbert:
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